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Location: Monkey's House | Today I will be accompanied only by R.Tiverton. It is his first away match. He has been sitting by the front door for two whole days in his lovely new kit waiting to set off.
R.Tivvy : Bye Slebitty Daddy. We will do some photos of it for you.
Just then, the doorbell rings. It is the man bringing a new toaster to replace the one that SOMEONE thought he would try to toast a banana in just to see what happened.
I bring the toaster in and scoop up R.Tivvy and my bag. Off we go !!
R.Tiverton : It's quiet without Slebitty Daddy.
Me : Yes and peaceful.
I have a stinking cold and would like to relax on the bus.
R.Tiverton : Who's your favit player ? Mine is Jamal Campbell-Soup. I can't work out what position he plays though.
Me : You aren't the only one R.Tivvy.
R.Tiverton : I have made a song about him ( and he starts singing to the tune of Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding through the glen )
Campbell-Soup, Campbell-Soup,
Running down the wing,
Campbell-Soup, Campbell-Soup,
He will make us sing !
You give him the ball,
And he scores a goallllllllll,
Campbell-Soup, Campbell-Soup,
Campbell-Soup, Campbell-Soup.
He keeps it up till at last we arrive in Nottingham.
R.Tiverton : Wooooo, something just moved in your bag.
Me : You are imagining things R.Tivvy. I think I will leave the bag on the bus during the match.
The bag moves in a slightly more frantic way. As if something is trying to open the zip from inside...........
R.Tiverton : Is that it ? Where are the trees ? I thought in was Nottin-gum Forest. Where is Robin Hood ?
It is about 2.55 pm and I have no time to answer him.
2.59pm We are just about there.
R.Tiverton : Hello, My daddy is a slebitty and....
We are getting looks from the steward so I whisk R.Tivvy through the turnstiles and rush to find our seat.
Row X. Thank you very much ticket office lady. I am knackered and poorly and just want to sit down but everyone else is standing up.
R.Tivvy cannot see a thing.
The thing in my bag shouts : Oi, Oi, you bl**dy well know I'm in your bag... I'M A CELEBRITY , GET ME OUT OF HERE !!
A fight breaks out near us. I just want to watch some football so I edge towards the end of the row.
A man comes back with his pie and we move off to look for another seat.
Steward : You have to sit in the seat you are allocated.
I am just about to get all middle-class and stroppy when it is agreed I can perch on the end of a row of gentlemen with weak bladders.
I feel the need to explain to the men next to me why I have a small monkey with me. The only way I can think of doing this is by taking another slightly larger monkey out of my bag. They are very nice men and I don't even notice that the two of them look the same because they are twins. Someone must know them, please pass on Monkey's website address to them.
http://www.celebrityfanmonkey.bravehost.com/index.htm
R.Tiverton : Slebitty Daddy, you've come ! How did you get here ?
R.Tiverton : What did you do in the stike Slebitty Daddy ? Were you NCB or NUM ? Who is 'king Thatcher.
I had a scab on my knee once.....
Forest score
I am blamed for being on drugs and not the usual lucky polos. It is all my fault.
HALF TIME
Monkey : I am waving to Poet.
Me : Who ? Another one of your imaginary friends ! How do you know it is not celebrity fan poet ?
A man behind us pokes Monkey in the tummy and asks who he is.
Monkey is beginning to realise he is not the 'celebrity' he thought he was.
Play starts again and Barnsley are lively but not really getting anywhere.
R.Tiverton : Slebitty Daddy, I made a song, listen Campbell-Soup, Campbell-Soup, Running down the wing, Campbell-Soup, Campbell-Soup.............................
And on he goes thirteen times.
R.Tiverton : Look up there, they are burning scab coal, SCAB SCAB SCAB
Monkey tires of sitting on my head and off he goes to sit elsewhere....
R.Tiverton : We might get trodded on, come back up here.
R.Tiverton :Campbell-Soup, Campbell-Soup, Running down the wing, Campbell-Soup, Campbell-Soup.................
The final whistle blows and R.Tiverton is crying inconsolably. Monkey joins in. For a moment I consider passing on my old dad's words of wisdom- "If you are going to support Barnsley you had better get used to disappointment !". I decide it didn't help me and it wouldn't help them.
So we run back to the bus for the long journey home. There are some normal people on the bus but I know I am not alone as the words "Odejayi" and "Why does Davey ...." and " 4-5-1 " keep drifting down to the front.
Once the normal people get off I can resist the temptation of the steamed up windows no longer. The bus lurches round the corner as I draw Toby Tyke ....but the men recognise him
Man at back : EEEeee, it's like having Rolf Harris on board.
Monkey : Will you sit down and behave, you are embarrassing me.
Men at back : One Winnie Campbell, there's only one Winnie Campbell.
I wave my 26 year old scarf at them.
Men at back : One Carl Airey, there's only one Carl Airey....
Monkey sighing : It'll be the Robledos next, will you stop egging them on.
Then he moves my hat and sits down where they can see him. They don't recognise him.
I think that upset Monkey nearly as much as the result.
Edited by CelebrityMonkey 30/11/2008 10:12 PM
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Matchday WITHOUT Monkey : Forest Away
