So I had an interesting night...

If anyone's got a crap day of work to go to today, spare a thought for t'old Gravy Chips.

My missus is pregnant with our second child, and she has that awful morning sickness Hyperemesis Gravidarum where she's had to be admitted a couple of times already to be rehydrated etc.

Anyway, so last night she threw up blood and collapsed - ambulance job. Ambulance arrives and off to A&E we go. We wait an hour, have her vitals done, wait 2 hours, have her bloods done, wait 2 hours (you know how A&E goes) then finally she's admitted to the ward again.

So by this time it's 1am and I never had my tea. I'm knackered and starving. It's the ladies ward so they kick me out and off home I go.

Get home. What's in the fridge? Pulled pork. Get in. I send one last gloating text message to the missus "just tucking into some lovely pork, hope your toast is ace". And then, hack! I only went and choked on the bugger! Swallowed a little bit, and some ******* string of fat drags the rest down with it. It got dead fast in my oesophaghus. I could breathe but couldn't swallow and I was making unholy noises and dripping spit. I could feel it pressing on my windpipe and every time I wretched I couldn't breathe. Nothing I did at all would move it. Home alone tonight. Don't drive. Skint until tomorrow so no taxi. What do? Ambulance.

So I have an ambulance attend the house for the second time in 6 hours, and then end up in A&E all over again. They give me some muscle relaxant to soften my oesophagus (IV, couldn't swallow), and it does nothing for 2 hours. Worst 2 hours of my life. This whole time I'm panicking like mad and it's hurtling like a certain Nigerian feller in a certain national stadium in a certain cup semi-final.

Doctor comes in, wants a blood sample. What? Why? It's literally just pork in my throat doc. "Well we need to know your blood type. When Ears, Nose and Throat come in at 8am we'll need to operate if it doesn't move, and sending you to sleep with a foreign object in your throat is risky and there's potential need for a blood transfusion if things go wrong."

Nope. All the nope. I start panicking even more, and after a few minutes the doctor leaves me in the cubicle alone again with a panic button. So what do I do? I'm sure as hell not waiting for 8am. I pump my bed up with the foot lever as high as it will go, shuffle up, lay down belly-first, and hang myself off the edge of it doing a handstand on the floor with the bed holding my legs. Smack myself in the gut what feels like a thousand times, cough like a 40 a day smoker and wham! Out it comes. It's 2 inches long, easily.

At that exact moment, the curtain is pulled across and an unwitting nurse catches me in my most acrobatic pose since dreaded gymnastics at Holgate, dangling like a lunatic head first and backwards off my bed with no shirt on and my knickiers hanging out of my jeans.

"The Hell are you doing?" She gasps in shock.

"Well I got it out, I'm off now. G'night."

Got home a couple of hours ago. Now I have to start work in an hour and take a batch of supplies to the missus when I'm done this evening.

Isn't life fantastic?

 

That beats any of my stories, glad you're both ok!

I also got a piece of pork stuck once. I was in the middle of nowhere on the Pennine Way with no mobile signal. I could hardly breathe but managed to gurgle enough air in to stay concious. There was nobody there to help, and I honestly thought I was going to die. I eventually got it out by slamming myself backwards onto a rock and coughing at the same time. A nearby sheep finished off the pork. Best wishes to your missus!

 

Tbh I don’t think interesting really covers that! Glad yer feeling better

 

You'd think it'd put me off, but I fully intend on eating 2 pigs this month as just retribution.

 

Let’s be right, you’ve used a substitute object and pork means condom. Wife’s away and you’ve been masterbating with your wife’s dildo with a jonny on, stuck in your mouth.

Glad you’re ok now though, must have been horrific.

 

Glad you're o.k.
Stalhorst did the right thing - the advice if you're by yourself in this situation is to bang your chest into a firm object.

 

Same thing happened to me a few years ago, but it was a piece of chicken. Could still breathe but couldn't swallow anything even liquid was coming back up.

Our lass wanted to phone hospital but I sent her to bed and 7 hours later 4am and 100 body slams to the floor it dislodged.

Throat was sore as **** for days so lived off ice-cream

 

Haha, thanks for the support everyone. Good to know I'm not the only daft lad who's done this

 

Glad your ok. Similar incident with pulled pork ((no wisecracks) but managed to dislodge it after a few minutes. Unlike you though. Never going near the stuff again.

 

Hope all goes well for both of you (and the one on the way), but I can't help feeling that if you hadn't got a piece of pork stuck in a few months ago none of this would have happened...

 

I was having a bacon butty on a Saturday night when I was a kid living in Ardsley.
Dad had finished his tea, so he buggered off to the other room to watch the teleprompter scores, or Dr. Who.
Suddenly, a huge long piece of fat / rind shoots down my throat and gets stuck, with the associated gagging / choking that goes with it.
My brother ran into the other room to fetch my father, who put his huge nicotine stained fingers down my throat and dragged it out.
He then smacked me around the head and called me a "silly bugger", as though I had done it on purpose.
I miss those halcyon days filled with compassion.

 

That reminds me of the first time I fainted. My mam was washing my newly pierced ears with salt water when the next thing I knew I was laid in a heap on the floor by the kitchen door with a sore head and my mam was calling me a 'stupid cow' for giving her a shock. Still, that was better than the time I fainted at school and one of the TAs kept constantly asking me if I'd peed myself despite me telling her at least 3 times that I most definitely hadn't. I'm not sure if I smelled really bad or if it's because she did once but she was adament that that's what people do when they faint.

 

Keep on Terry, it's mind boggling what you get up to

 

Were you in Miss Jax's class?

 

No, this TA was trying to be friendly and helpful (even though I didn't actually need her help).

 

I bet far more depraved than that when I’m left on my own.