Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

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  1. Hooky feller

    Hooky feller Well-Known Member

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    Bought our lass some flowers today. She said " I suppose I'll have to open mi legs fo them" . My reply " Why ent wi gorra vase big enough." ,OUCH.
     
    Hooky feller, Sep 11, 2018
    #481
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  2. tingleytyke

    tingleytyke Well-Known Member

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    Two weeks since I fell into an upholstery machine. Thankfully I am now fully recovered.
     
    tingleytyke, Sep 12, 2018
    #482
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  3. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    Does anyone else agree with me that Velcro products are just a complete rip off.
     
    arabian_ian, Sep 12, 2018
    #483
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  4. Arc

    ArchieRed Well-Known Member

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    A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian restaurant. I was a bit confused, I'd never met herbivore.
     
    ArchieRed, Sep 12, 2018
    #484
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  5. Arc

    ArchieRed Well-Known Member

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    I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker... But when I got home all the signs were there
     
    ArchieRed, Sep 12, 2018
    #485
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  6. Arc

    ArchieRed Well-Known Member

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    I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting but he fell asleep
     
    ArchieRed, Sep 12, 2018
    #486
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  7. tosh

    tosh Well-Known Member

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    Didn't know the Welsh had friends.
     
    tosh, Sep 12, 2018
    #487
  8. Donny Red

    Donny Red Well-Known Member

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    Out on a walk with his mate, same guy nodded towards a large tree in a field and said
    " look you, that's the spot where I had my very first ever sexual encounter and her mother
    looked on." His mate asked " what did her Mam say." The guy said, "she just looked at us
    and went baa."
     
    Donny Red, Sep 13, 2018
    #488
  9. Sup

    SuperTyke Well-Known Member

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    Great news golfers. I've invented a golf ball that will automatically go into the hole when it gets within 4 inches.

    Whatever you do do NOT carry them in your back pocket
     
    SuperTyke, Sep 14, 2018
    #489
  10. Arc

    ArchieRed Well-Known Member

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    I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing a woman.


    Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
     
    ArchieRed, Sep 15, 2018
    #490
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  11. Arc

    ArchieRed Well-Known Member

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    The wife said she wanted to go and see Jeremy Kyle Live for her birthday.


    So I got her sister pregnant!


    We’re on next Wednesday!
     
    ArchieRed, Sep 15, 2018
    #491
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  12. Arc

    ArchieRed Well-Known Member

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    I bought my new wife a full set of cookery DVDs for her birthday to help her learn to cook properly.


    A month later she bought me a porn DVD for my birthday.
     
    ArchieRed, Sep 15, 2018
    #492
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  13. Arc

    ArchieRed Well-Known Member

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    I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken.


    Met a girl dressed as an egg.


    A question as old as time was answered.


    The chicken.
     
    ArchieRed, Sep 15, 2018
    #493
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  14. Sup

    SuperTyke Well-Known Member

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    Painted my ceiling yesterday and just been looking up at it today admiring my work. I'm not going to say it's the best ceiling in the world but it's definitely up there.
     
    SuperTyke, Sep 15, 2018
    #494
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  15. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    But are you sure you are the father? No doubt the DNA test will reveal all.
     
    arabian_ian, Sep 15, 2018
    #495
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  16. TonyTyke

    TonyTyke Well-Known Member

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    .

    My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.

    Our date so far can be summarised as follows

    dinner, dinner, dinner,
    dinner, dinner, dinner,
    dinner, dinner, BATMAN
     
    TonyTyke, Sep 16, 2018
    #496
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  17. Sup

    SuperTyke Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]
     
    SuperTyke, Sep 16, 2018
    #497
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  18. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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    Doctor my head has turned into a lemon and my legs into corkscrews.

    So how do you feel

    Not too bad, just a little bitter and twisted.
     
    RedStriker, Sep 18, 2018
    #498
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  19. Arc

    ArchieRed Well-Known Member

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    Asked a trainer in the gym, what kind of machine I should use to make myself more attractive to women?

    He said, "Try a cash machine."
     
    ArchieRed, Sep 19, 2018
    #499
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  20. Glo

    GloucesterRedsBigBro Well-Known Member

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    The wife failed her driving test on one question. The examiner said, “you are driving down a country lane, what sign would you expect to see at the roadside? She had to study for a bit then smiled and said “fresh eggs for sale £1 a dozen”
     
    GloucesterRedsBigBro, Sep 19, 2018
    #500
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