Made me laugh

I already know !sorry questions too hard for yer I’ll try to find another . Do you know owt abart football ?

 

Who the f*** are you? I obviously fell in to the trap of criticising one of the clique. Didn't think it was too much to ask to keep one thread for one purpose. Given the reaction I got I've got I'll now take me bat home and not come on again. In answer to your question, just like everybody else on here I know nought abart foitball.

 

All the replies and retorts to your posts from other posters including mine have been imo with humour, non provocative and keeping within the spirit of the thread .

 

Bloke I know is addicted to brake fluid

I advised him to get help, but he said he could stop anytime

 

This baby crab went up to his Mam and said can I have an Ice cream Mam, no she said bugger off n play in sea.
Went up to his Dad and asked Can I have an ice cream Dad, no you can't.
20mins later he's walking along the beach and came to a big rock, walked around it and on the other side was his Mam & Dad eating an Ice cream. He said, well you shellfish bsatards.

 

Bloke put's non Joke on Joke thread complaining about blokes putting non Jokes on Joke thread

 

No radio 2 jokes allowed mate

 

I had a look at the Charlie Williams videos posted elsewhere on this site a couple of days ago - both brilliant watches by the way - and picked up one from The Comedians which was a show for stand ups way back in the 70s (I think). One of the funnier ones was a guy called Ken Goodwin and this is one of his really silly jokes. Funny though.

A high street bank has just been robbed and a woman comes rushing out screaming hysterically. A policeman stops her and asks her what's the matter. She tells him: " An elephant has just robbed that bank". The policeman says: "Would you recognise him if you saw him again?" and the woman replied "I don't know. He had a stocking over his head"

 

I was in Tesco today and the young lass on the checkout said " Would you like to go for a drink ?"

I said "I'm very flattered but I'm old enough to be your dad."

She said "You've misunderstood....it's part of the meal deal "

 

After the Trump vs Biden debate John Cleese published this...
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese
To The citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Arkansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. No more Orange Bowl, Rose Bowl, Cereal Bowl or Super Bowl. From now on..... get used to the World Cup.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
John Cleese

 

Genuine Amazon review
Item - Garden chair weatherproof cover

"Can't really give you a review as it blew away on the first night, even though it was tied down.
You will have to ask the person who found it."

 

Irishman goes up to the bar. Landlord says.” £2 for a pint. £7 for a pitcher.”
Paddy says “gi me a pint. Fcku the photo.”

 

Merseyside pub undergone a very apt name change.


https://www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/...e-three-bellends-government-dig-a4571141.html

 

Nothing wasted in my house.

 

too rough for my liking

 

Neesflash Scottish Conservatives hit the bottom

 

I see there’s a bottle of bleach under the roll. Do you give your piece a shot of that before every wipe?