Random things you’ve done in your life that’s brilliantly bonkers

Quite an amusing video did the rounds of people trying to run at Mo Farah pace on a treadmill, very few people managed it even for a mile.

 

Other life highlights for me include, all of which are sadly true:

- I once witnessed a man who is now a very prominent political commentator on Sky News take a poo in a graveyard. He was henceforth known at University as ‘the gravesh1tter’.

- I am physically incapable of riding a bike. I honestly have no idea how it’s possible to balance a twelve and a half stone man on them ridiculous thin wheels. It’s mad sorcery and if I had my way I’d burn all cyclists as witches.

- I once got masturbated at by a man in a wheelchair. It haunts my dreams.

- I once revealed my most shameful secrets to a load of nobheads on a bulletin board

 

Had to read that more than once,
I just kept seeing:
I once got masturbated by a man in a wheelchair. It haunts my dreams.

 

Life experiences grow you as a person ;-)

And conjunctives in sentences are even more important, in this case...

 

When at uni I went to a house party for Halloween. For some reason I had decided to dress as Pat Butcher from Eastenders as a laugh and got some good giggles from those at the party. Anyway, I had been trying to pull this lass for a while who happened to be the daughter of football manager Steve Evans (she had been seeing my mate for a while but he pied her so I was then trying to swoop in as a rebound). Things were going ok with this lass and we went back to my flat, her mate was staying with her for the party and had also come back to the flat with us but was bunking up with my best mate. Me and this lass started things off and got to the first few bases but she would not go all the way as I had no condoms left..........

She then went to sleep and I say there very disappointed. However, not long later I got a text from my best mate asking me to watch a film in his room with him and this other lass, I was reluctant as first as I didnt want to be in there third wheeling being awkward. He convinced me to go in and I walked through to his room and took a seat on the chair. A moment later my mate says 'what you doing over there, come join us' He whips the covers off him and this lass and both were stark naked and wanted me to join him in a threesome. I joined as the lass in question was a bit of a looker, but it certainly was a very awkward encounter having to see your best mates sex face ..........

 

I was at Sixth form with John Mayock and we both used to jog/run at lunchtime. We'd set off out and usually see him ambling down to the changing rooms and get back from our 2-3 miles just in time to see him ambling back from the changing rooms having down 5 miles and been showered...

 

I can well believe it. So, so fast.

 

Probably far less disturbing than him having to look at Pat Butcher's c0ck.

 

I have a couple of quite similar ones to that list.

When we were at uni, me and some mates got into an altercation with a coked-up knobhead at a house party, who accused one of us of stealing his Panama hat (we didn't, he'd just lost it because the party was packed and he was off his nuts). The coked-up knobhead is now a prominent Tory MP.

I also got masturbated at, by a tramp in Sheffield, lying on the floor of a bank machine cabin. I evidently disturbed him when I went to take out some money as he stopped for a second, looked at me, then carried on! My mate who I was with (who happens to be a good friend of yours too, incidentally!) asked me why I hadn't got any cash out. When I told him what had happened, his reaction was: "well, tramps need to w@nk too", as if what I'd just witnessed was perfectly normal!

 

Very true

 

Nothing like the standards of some of the others on here - must work at that in my second halfcentury...

I've helped the police with their inquiries twice - both murder investigations

I've visited four countries that no longer exist

 

I once had to sign autographs for thousands of people that had no idea who I was.

 

I once had a drunken piss on a Kevin Keegan wig that was left on the downstairs coffee table after a night out. Then the next morning forgetting what transpired the night before proceeded to act the goat to my sisters friend who was staying over and put the wig on. I had my own **** trickling down my face.

 

A university friend of mine joined an 80s goth band from Keighley for a European tour after they split between recording an album and touring for it. He did a couple of radio interviews where the interviewer was trying to work out why he didn't look anything like the band members on the album cover.

 

Some will know that my front two teeth are on a palate, after a wonderful town centre incident a few years ago now. Anyway...

Last season we played Nottingham Forest at home. You know the game. It's 0-0, we're in injury time, we're about to be relegated. The press box in the West Stand is right behind the opposition club's directors seating. So we are always massively respectful and try not to get too vocal or boisterous. Ultra professional. Then, Patrick Schmidt scores. I jump up and scream "YESSSSSSSS!" and immediately realise my teeth are in mid-air. They dropped right next to Evangelos Marianakis. The Forest owner/chairman. I quickly leant over the barrier, to retrieve my teeth, saying "shorry" to the burly Greek bloke.

Also, the fact that Mick McCarthy actually calls me Whitey, I find bonkers.

 

My life is ***** reading these. Best I've done is coming home from pub to my ex girlfriends and farted in the kitchen that loud, burglar alarm went off

 

Was she already your ex by this point, or that fart was the final straw?

 

Believe it or not it was my first visit to her house. It was just pub dates at the time lol

 

I once went out on New Years Eve after a row with my Dad about him not getting me any cans from Morrisons even though he had a car. Normally stay in but went out to spite him. Anyway I stayed out all day and told my mate that we were having a New Years party at my parents and I'd be going home after next pint. This lush sat across from us her ears must have been burning because she said when I was leaving why don't you and your mate stay out a bit longer. So me being young and enjoying attention agreed. She bought me a couple of pints and invited herself to the New Years party at my parents. She was 38 and I was 24 at the time. My parents couldn't believe what was happening and thought good God what have you brought back here. My Dad to get his own back saw my embarrassment but thought he'd teach me a lesson by egging things on and spurning my attempts to get rid of her.

As the night went on she got more amorous and kept asking me to take her upstairs. I eventually did and she had an excessive appetite. I went upstairs with her two or three times playing "What's the Story Morning Glory" at it's loudest to drown out her screams. It was so embarrassing my parents and Grandma were downstairs. My sister and her partner thought it was hilarious.

As the New Year drew in. I offered to book her a taxi and send her on her way. She said she'd cry rape unless I let her stay the night. My sisters boyfiend told me to fook her off but I was now shitting it. In the end she stayed the night and made me walk her home to Knottingley. It took me until New Years Day teatime to get rid of her.

 

I let one off looking up at the Sistine chapel ceiling. I struggled to keep the volume down. The place is silent, or was.