Joke, just a distraction from potential new signings

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by lumpyredsfan, Jun 23, 2017.

  1. lumpyredsfan

    lumpyredsfan Active Member

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    A barnsley lad, a sheffield lad and a Jamaican are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth.
    After much pacing up and down, the nurse emerges from the maternity ward and announces that each is the father of a bouncing baby boy.
    “Unfortunately there’s just one small problem,” she adds. “Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to which parent. Would you mind identifying them?”
    The three men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.
    Immediately the barnsley lad stoops down and picks up the black baby. “Yes, this is definitely my baby,” he says confidently.
    “Er, excuse me,” says the Jamaican, “but I think it’s obvious that this is my son.”
    The barnsley lad pulls him aside and says, “Look mate, I see where you’re coming from......
    .....But one of these babies is a ******* dee dah and I’m not prepared to take the gamble......!!”
     
  2. Mic

    Michael Noz Well-Known Member

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  3. Mic

    Michael Noz Well-Known Member

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    yer know, that is as racist as it gets..... as i see that punchline, the Barnsley bloke will even accept a black baby rather than risk having a dee dah son. Sure the joke is massively insulting to Sheffielders, and that is okay, but you've caught the coons in the crossfire.
     
  4. LDR

    LDRed Well-Known Member

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    "That's racist against coons" - Amazing.
     
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  5. Donny Red

    Donny Red Well-Known Member

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    I worked for Donny Council Works Department from 1974 to 1985.
    We were given the job of doing some intricate repairs in the Council Chamber in the
    Mansion House. It involved the purchase of a lot of species of very expensive hardwoods to match existing.

    As the Chief buyer for the Council the Building Manager invited me to a meeting where key players
    in the project were all acquainted. We were told that a key member was on holiday but would be coming into
    the office the following Monday and it would be his and the buyers job ( me) to pick and order the right wood for the job.

    We were told he'd got massive expertise in that area and he had moved with his wife from the Carribean because
    she had got a top job as head of Midwifery at Doncaster Infirmary. One of the lads who was working with him at an outlying depot said he ( Chris) was a great lad with a good sense of humour and with regards to racism he could mix it with the best.

    We were a bit wary but looked forward to both meeting and working with him.
    The team got in early on the Monday morning and Chris ambled into the room at around 9am.

    He went to hang his coat on the rack in the corner and turned to face the twenty or so lads who worked in the office.
    He smiled and said in the broadest Yorkshire accent you had ever heard " Na then yer white bast*rds how's tha' doin. ?"

    We all fell about laughing and it turned out Chris was Donny born and bred and he had gone to see family in Jamaica
    and met his wife married her and eventually brought her back to the UK with him.

    It was racism in reverse if you like but his humour and the ability to laugh with and at himself endeared him to everyone who ever came into contact with him. He became a permanent member of the team and was still there when I left in 85.
    A really top class bloke in every sense of the word.
     
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  6. Micky Finn

    Micky Finn Well-Known Member

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    Completely non-racist joke.
    A man walks into a bakery. All the cakes in the shop are a pound except for one, which costs two pounds. So he asks the baker "Why is it two pounds?".

    "That one?" the baker replies. "That's madeira cake."
     
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  7. shed131

    shed131 Well-Known Member

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    For a moment there i thought you were going to tell the old story about Chris the joiner from Barnsley who had worked all over the UK who in the 80s applied for a job at Howarth timber merchants in the purchasing department

    When he went for the interview he boasted that he could recognize any type of wood even when blindfolded by its smell.

    The female chief buyer who was also the interviewee agreed that she would put Chris to the test, blindfolded him and started sticking samples of wood under the nose of Chris
    sure enough to his word Chris was like lightening
    Pine, Marple, White Oak, Yellow birch, Green Ash, Walnut , Cherry, Mahogany, Beech, Hickory on and on he went , to the point the lady doing the interview was left dumbfounded by his actual depth of knowledge

    Now the story goes, that the chief buyer had already got her boyfriends best mate lined up for the job and did not want anyone else to succeed and here was Chris backing her in to a corner

    So without hesitation knowing she didnt want him to have the job ,she laid on the desk ,whipped of her panties lifted up her skirt and said now then, if you are that good tell me what this is....

    well for a moment Chris stood there his blindfold intact ..inhaled and was rather perplexed, his acute sense of smell sensed there was two different aromas ...

    after several more deep nasal breaths

    He replied.....Got it

    It smells like a **** house door off a Grimsby Trawler


    Taxi ...il get mi coite....
     
  8. scarf

    scarf Well-Known Member

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    Only one man I know could tell a tale like that.
    Hope you're well and enjoying your retirement TJ!
     
  9. MarioKempes

    MarioKempes Well-Known Member

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    Chortle.
     
  10. Donny Red

    Donny Red Well-Known Member

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    One for Monsieur GO-TEA-A

    Napoleon is marching into battle against the British on French soil.
    Behind him is a 5 mile deep rank of Cavalry, 4 mile deep rank of Infantry and
    a 1 mile deep rank of captured prisoners including some from England all wearing
    smock coats and cloth caps and carrying pikestaffs.

    Seeing a dust cloud on a ridge in the distance he sends a rider out to have a look.
    He returns and says to Napoleon " it eez the Breetish mon general."
    Napoleon turns his head sideways into the breeze and as loud as he can he shouts
    HAAA.....LL....TT. As one, the column suddenly judders to a stop.

    Still mounted he calls for the maps showing the terrain ahead. At the back of the column
    one of the English prisoners breaks the rank and in the boiling heat of the day makes his
    way forward through the 1 mile rank of fellow prisoners, through the rank of Infantry and finally
    the Cavalry. With sweat pis*ing out of every orifice he finally arrives alongside Napoleans steed.

    Napoleon looked down on him scornfully and said " Oui. " Looking very puzzled the prisoner looks up at Napoleon and asks

    " Did tha' shout Walt."?
     

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