Made me laugh

Here are a couple from this morning's Sounds of Sixties:

To the person who stole my Microsoft Office - I'll get you, you have my Word.

And the guy who nicked my trainers and hi-vis jacket - I'll track you down, you can run but you can't hide.

Tony Blackburn's standard of joke is maintained.

 

I was offered sex today with a 21-year-old girl.
In exchange i was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.
Of course i declined because i am a person of high moral standards and strong willpower,
just as strong as Ajax the super strong bathroom cleaner.

Now available with scented Lemon or Vanilla.

 

Sitting at a bar with my wife and she says.. Look at that drunk over there..

I said do you know him.. She said.. 12 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

I thought.. Yeah and he's still celebrating

 

Loving this!


A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

 

Teacher asks a kid how many dogs he would have if she gave him two dogs, then another two dogs?

The kid replies that they would have five dogs.

The teacher replies, no you're not listening. If I gave you two dogs then another two how many would you have?

The kid again gives the same answer - five dogs.

The teacher sighs and says ok if I give you two apples then a another two apples how many would you have?

The kid replies that they would have four apples.

Thank the lord, the penny has dropped exclaimed the teacher. So if I give you two dogs then another two dogs, how many dogs would you have?

Five replies the kid.

The teacher asks, "for the love of all that is holy how do you keep getting this answer you idiot"?

The kid says "I've already got one dog".

 

Three friends, a Muslim, a Hindu and a Dundee supporter go on holiday. But when they get to their room there is only two beds. OK says the Muslim. I'll go sleep in the barn and leave you both to the beds. Off he goes. Two minutes later a knock at the door and its the Muslim back. He says, there is a pig in the barn and I can't sleep there. OK says the Hindu. I'll sleep in the barn and leave the beds for you. Off he goes. Two minutes later a knock at the door. The Hindu is back saying there is a cow in the barn and he can't sleep there. OK says the Dundee supporter I'll sleep in the barn and off he goes. Again two minutes later there is a knock at the door. The Hindu answers it and here is the cow and pig standing there.

 

A woman is in court, charged with beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
"First offender" the judge asked, as the accused steps up to the dock.
"No", she replies "first the Gibson and then the Fender"

 

I got approached by an Asian drug dealer who said " What you know about my cocaine " I replied " Well his real name is Maurice Micklewhite and he was in Zulu "

 

My mate Terry is the best prankster ever. Every time time I come back from work early he's laying naked under my bed waiting to jump out on me. How he sneaks past the wife without her knowing I'll never know...

Legend!

 

I sold my vacuum the other day. I had no use for it; all it was doing was collecting dust.

 

Dave the Scouser is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?"

"Liverpool," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Leeds," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ian St John."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Liverpool, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."

 

Three blokes are stranded on a boat and all they have with them is four cigs but no way of lighting them. What do they do?

The throw one cig overboard. By doing that the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

 

Glass coffins.... Will they be popular?
Remains to be seen

 

Barman: I’m sorry, we never serve time travelers.

A time traveler walks into a bar.

 

I ran into my ex in town yesterday

Then put it in reverse and had another go

 

Thing I like about living in Switzerland is their national flags a big PLUS