Made me laugh

Here's one from one of Tony Blackburn's listeners this morning.

A woman goes to the opticians for an eye test. She sits in the chair and the optician asks her to say what she can see on the screen opposite.

Tha lady says that she can see that all the stadiums and theatres are closed, shops are closed as are the pubs and people are wearing masks.

The optician says "Your eyesight is fine, you have 2020 vision".

 

I’ve just been told that the Yorkshire ripper was buried at a Jehovah’s Witness service.
I didn’t know he was a Jehovah’s Witness,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I’ve gone right off him now!

 

This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never ever give up ...
Many years ago my mate's missus came a close second in the Miss Barnsley 1997 competition. Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck. She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. She lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, she suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a fight outside a KFC Chicken Take Away. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts.
But she never stopped believing.
And then finally, last month, she was crowned Miss Rotherham 2020.

 

BARNSLEY CHRONICLE
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
'Wife wanted'.
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
A man from Barnsley walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading. The man says, This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache. His wife replies, I think you'll find that is a sheep. The man replies, I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep.......

 

The Barnsley Computer Company has released their new voice activated virtual assistant for folks in Tarn

It's called "Hey Sithi"

 

The Barnsley Computer Company has released their new search engine, it's called "nar then, weer's that gone?

 

The Barnsley Computer Company has released their new search engine which is reputed to be the most private ever made. When it finds what you're searching for it responds "I've found what tha's looking for but am not telling thee owt"

 

"Hey Up Luv" isn't it

 

Anyway it's Christmas eve & Santa's not looking forward to it, he's in bad mood & on top of that 2 reindeers have phoned in sick & no replacements, any way off he sets has a nightmare of a night.
Gets home absolutely knackered & still in a bad mood, even worse than when he set off. Mam Christmas says "go sit down luv al get you a nice double single malt, go put your feet up".
There is a knock at the Door, it's the Christmas fairy with a Christmas tree for him, Mam Christmas tell Santa about it, Isn't that nice of her Santa to which he replies, "Tell her to stick it up her arse"

 

WEATHER WARNING>>>>>

The AA have warned that anyone travelling in these icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets/sleeping bag, extra clothing (including scarf, hat and gloves), 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, spare battery, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads.
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I feel like a right fanny on this bus.

 

A guy phones up his solicitor. Crook, Crook & Crook.
Says hello can I speak to Mr Crook please.
Sorry says the guy on the other side but Mr Crook is off sick.
Ok says the guy can I speak to Mr Crook.
Sorry but Mr Crook is on holiday.
Ok says the guy can I then speak to Mr Crook.

.....Speaking.

 

As always, the club that keeps on giving.

Also just realised that this is my 1000 post. I think its a good one to commemorate this landmark.