Nicknames of people who sit in your vicinity at Oakwell

Following on from the "crowd etiquette" thread, I noticed that some posters allocate nicknames to the people who sit around them at Oakwell.

From the time seating started being allocated in the Ponty, until I fled the country and Paul Hart in 2004, I was surrounded by:

Ref Man

A completely bizarre specimen, who never shouted anything unless he was abusing the ref extremely loudly. Sometimes the criticism was justified, often it was completely surreal. We once got a penalty awarded against us and he charged down to the front of the Ponty to remonstrate with the man in black. Everyone was worried he was about to run onto the pitch and lamp him. The opposition missed the penalty (just before half time), but anyway ref man spent the rest of the game in the front few rows looking incredibly angry, presumably so as to keep the ref in check for the rest of the match.

Spontaneous Combustion Man

Sat a couple of rows in front of us, always in complete silence, and usually with a terrifying look of simmering anger on his face. Even when things were going dreadfully wrong on the pitch, he never said a word. He just sat there looking angrier and angrier, leading us to the conclusion that one day he would just spontaneously combust. We hadn't seen him for a while, and thought that maybe Richard Naylor's performance against Norwich had finally caused exactly that to happen. But then we saw him at a pre-season friendly against Boston, looking just as resentful as ever when our youth players conceded an equaliser.

Unlucky Alf

A very old man who sat behind us, and constantly offered the most pessimistic assessments as to what was going to happen next on the pitch. Every time the opposition got the ball he would start chuntering, and if they managed to get a shot away that looked vaguely on target, he would declare "bloody 'ell, it's theeer!" I remember a particularly dismal match against Stockport, where one of their players hit a very poor shot which was rolling harmlessly into Kevin Miller's arms. "It's theeer!" shouts Alf. The ball then hits a divot, and bounces wide of Miller into the net. I think everyone would have tw@tted him if he hadn't been 85 years old.

Chuffin' 'ell Jones / Chris Morgan's dad

One and the same person. Quite a big bloke who always took an extreme liking / dislike to one member of the squad. Hated Scott Jones for no apparent reason. Whenever anything went wrong, it was always Scott Jones's fault. He didn't reckon much to Lee Jones either, presumably for the sake of continuity. "Chuffin 'ell Jones!" Also detested Nicky Eaden until he came back and played against us for Wigan, when suddenly he'd become the best player on the field. Absolutely loved Chris Morgan though, praising every touch he made as if it were Beckenbauer, even clearances into Row Z under absolutely no pressure, or tripping over the ball. "Brilliant Morgan lad, that's the style!"

 

Bloke who looked like Mclovin from Superbad used to be (and probably still is) down the front of the Ponty End before every game. Don't know where he sits tbh.

 

There used to be the ' Perfect Pie Man' I wrote a story about him once then he disappeared. I blame Trump or Brexit or Thatcher.

 

Maybe the "bonkers bureaucrats in Brussels" banned his favourite pies under an obscure piece of EU legislation that only the Daily Mail is privy to?

 

"Gerrem goin' <insert name of player who looks up for it>" man sits nears us in West Lower. Used to be known as "Gerrem goin' Tommy love", before Mr Wrights demise. Has also been known as Mr Angry. He confronted two lads on suspicion of being Leeds fans last year, even though I think they had been at every match I've ever been to. Thought he was going to take Morgan on last year too.

 

Mick Clarke's Dad still appears intermittently though he seems to have become Tom Bradshaw's nan these days 'gi it to our Tom' and 'he's a lovely lad our Tommy'.

 

He sounds quality. Reckon I'm going to sit in the West lower next match I'm at just to see him in action. Even though it'll be in December and it's bound to rain.

 

To be fair I reckon most nans would like Tom Bradshaw and his polite, boyish charm.

 

The friggers, husband and wife combo that I had to endure for about 4 or 5 seasons starting during the bassatt era, "friggin' ell sheron" , " thi friggin eyes painted on ref " , etc etc ! for 90 odd minutes, constantly, no let up, I used to occasionally belt out " shut the **** up " at the top of my voice but they never cottoned on. I think paul Hart finally killed them off, every cloud and all that, sithi.

 

It weren't Ozzie Osbourne was it.Oh sorry I thought you said Sharon.

 

We have The Admiral. Sits at the front of the Ponty End and used to wear a promotion season coat for about sixteen years until only the muck was holding it together.

Regardless of the score he always leaves 5-10 minutes before the whistle but he is then always waiting for his bus at ten past five.

 

Sounds like an absolute genius!

 

We used to stand on the Ponty End, where the terracing swung round towards the railed fence separating the Ponty from the front of the stand. There was a bloke who stood in our group who would automatically disagree with anything said by anyone else. For example, if someone said Gwyn Thomas was having a good game, he'd claim he wasn't a patch on Jim Dobbin. If someone said Jim Dobbin was having a good game, he'd claim he wasn't a patch on Gwyn Thomas!
Then there was another bloke who almost always shouted out something along the lines of "GOAL. Good goal". I don't remember him saying anything else other than that. According to him, every goal we scored from 1981 to 1994 was a 'good goal'! Unfortunately, that daft sod was me!

 

Where I sit towards the back of the Ponty there are twins who sit as part of a group, I guess they're late 30's in age. We call them the Helium Brothers due to their high pitched Tourette's-like outbursts. Because of the utter guff they spout, they're also sometimes referred to as the Idiot Brothers or Tweedledum and Tweedledummer.

 

We always have a bet on what time he will leave.

He had a mate with him who we called Vice but he hasn't been seen for a couple of years.

 

Waldorf & Staedtler. Sit centrally right at the back of the Upper West. Not exactly what you'd call happy clappers..

 

I had the misfortune of sitting near ref man for a couple of seasons around the time we were relegated to div 2 and put in admin. He was convinced there was an FA conspiracy involving the referees against us. 'Rubbish ref you'll not be happy until this clubs in conference' nowt to do with us being utter garbage at the time!
Bizarre individual...

 

I'm sure at least one of them post on here!!!

 

Yep, that's him! Absolute mental case!

 

Is one of them you?