**** Jokes Thread

I went to the doctors earlier today and told hom I had a fear of lapels.

He thinks I might have cholera.

 

I was with my mate the other evening and said that I fancied a game of darts.

He said "nearest the bull goes first"

I went "baaah" he went "moo"

"Your closest" I said.

 

I wonder if Wasps rugby union club has a b team.

 

A duck walks into a chemist and asks for Lipsyl
The chemist said, "That'll be £1.49"

"Nice one.", said the duck, "Can you put it on my bill?"

 

I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.

 

I opened a sperm bank in London but it was hopeless. Only two donors applied.

One came on the bus and the other missed the tube.

 

Long **** joke

Man walks into a pub and asks the barman for a pint. The barman shuffles away to pour it. Upon returning he hands the man his pint and asks him, 'excuse me, but I really can't help but notice'.
'Notice what?' replies the man. 'Why, that your head is a giant orange. How did that happen?'
'Oh, it's a long story. I don't want to keep you'. 'Well' says the barman, 'the pub's quiet. I'd love to hear it'. Reluctantly the man agrees and commences with his story.

'It happened a couple of years ago. I was out for a stroll in the countryside when I became aware of a high-pitched voice shouting 'HELP! HELP!' Upon investigating I discovered a disused well with a leprechaun at the bottom. The leprechaun promised me three wishes if I would help him out of his predicament, so I ran back to my house and fetched some rope which I used to haul him out'.

By this time the barman is extremely curious and unable to avert his gaze from the man's giant orange head. 'What the hell did you wish for?!'

'For my first wish I wished that I always had a million pounds, no matter how much I spent'. 'And?' asks the barman. 'Oh, it's great. I'm loaded and I can afford any luxury I want because any time I spend any money it's immediately replenished'. 'That's amazing. What was your second wish?'

'For my second wish I wished that the most beautiful women in the world would be attracted to me'. 'And?' asks the barman again. 'Unbelievable. I'm surrounded by beauties 24/7. They can't get enough of me'.

'Okay' says the barman, you've got money and attractive women, so what in God's name was your third wish?

'I wished that my head was a giant orange'.

 

Re: Long **** joke

That one doesn't belong here. It's funny.

 

Re: Long **** joke

Surrounded by beauties 24/7 he says to the barman of the quiet pub. Narr am not evvin that. Women are nivver quiet in a boozer.

 

Longer, shitter joke

A man was on holiday in America, in a region with a small native American population. He wandered into a bar and in there he saw a native American fellow, sat on his own in full Red Indian dress, feathers, war paint, the lot, just reading his newspaper. He asked the barman who the guy was and the barman said he's the local chieftain. He also said that the chieftain was a very wise man and could answer any question, on any subject.

OK, thought the man. Lets see what you're made of.

"Here, mate! What was the score in the 1980 FA Cup Final?"

The chief looked up from his paper, stared coldly at our man for a minute, before repling, "Um West Ham United 1, Um Arsenal 0"

'Kin ell.

"Alright then. Who scored the winning goal?"

Another minute's icy stare.

"Um Trevor Brooking"

Our man then drew breath to ask a third question but the chief threw his arms in the air, turned his back and buried his nose in his paper. The barman intervened, "That's enough. He's made his point, he's answered your questions and now he wants to be left in peace."

Naturally the tourist was moved by the chief's remakable knowledge and on returning home from his holiday, he decided to try to match the feat he'd witnessed. He quit his job first thing Monday morning and duly took up residence in the local library. Over the coming weeks and months, he read the Encyclopaedia Britannica right through from Aardvark to Zumba, got back-issues of virtually every newspaper ever printed up on the microfiche machine and learned everything he could on every subject and every event.

Three years on, he felt he had done all he could and it was time to pit his wits with the big chief. He made his travel arrangements and set off for the US of A. When he reached the airport, he popped into W H Smiths to find some in-flight reading, when he saw a book on native American culture and history. He was horrified. It was one subject he'd overlooked. The chief had answered, of all things, a football question and here he was, off to front up to the big man with no knowledge at all of his way of life. He bought the book and spent the flight swotting up.

He eventually arrived in the same town where he'd met the chief, checked into his hotel and tried to get some rest. The following day he set off for the bar, drew a deep breath at the door and walked in. Sure enough, the chief was there, in the same seat, reading his paper. Our man gingerly walked up and, remembering his recent learning on native American customs, greeted the chief in the traditional fashion. He raised his hand, bowed his head and said, "How".

The chief looked up from his paper, looked the man up and down, tutted and said...




"Um diving header."

 

Re: Longer, shitter joke

Bloke walked into a fish shop and shouted fish and chips twice please love to which she replied "I heard you the first time"

 

Re: Longer, shitter joke

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar, the barman said is this some sort of joke?

 

Two chickens were out for a stroll. One of them stopped and started looking left and right. The other one said "What's up, why've you stopped?".

"I'm thinking of crossing the road" said the first chicken

"Don't" said the second chicken "You'll never hear the last of it".

 

Re: Longer, shitter joke

Statistically one in seven dwarfs are not happy
Crap ones
What do they call a man with a number plate on his head reg.
What do they call his brother. R reg.
What do they call A man with a sea gull on his head. Cliff.

 

The pessimistic German vegetarian who always feared the 'wurst.

 

What about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who laid awake all night wondering if there was a dog?

 

A farmer came up to me and said 'ive got 68 sheep can you help me round them up'
I said 'sure, 70'

 

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned in to a field.

 

What do you call a Scotsman who's nearly home?

Hamish.

 

haha like it