Today, I punched a cow in the face - puppy update

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board ARCHIVE' started by Jay, May 13, 2015.

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  1. Jay

    Jay Well-Known Member

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    The puppy won't **** anywhere but in the garden. Doesn't matter how long I take him out for a walk, he won't have a ****, but does one in the garden the minute we get back. Today I thought, "I show the little fcuker". We left the house about 10, got home about 20 minutes ago. He won.

    On our walk we crossed a field of cows. They don't like dogs and I don't blame them. About a dozen encircled us and started moving in. The advice is to let go of the dog, which the cows will chase and you'll be fine. I din't fancy the dogs chances, so it was very tempting, but I didn't really want to explain to my wife that cows had killed her puppy. I couldn't help but think she'd bring up the fact that it was me that put the puppy in the same field as the cows in the first place. So I picked him up, walked up to the the biggest fcuker, smacked it straight on the nose and shouted at them to **** off. Which they did. At great speed.

    So that's what I do now, I fight ******* cows. On the plus side, I'm undefeated.
     
    Jay, May 13, 2015
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  2. Ext

    Extremely Northern Well-Known Member

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    'Dear Compassion in World Farming....'
     
    Extremely Northern, May 13, 2015
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  3. North Yorks Red

    North Yorks Red Well-Known Member

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    poor little bugger probably thinks its whats right he'll have been walking about all day thinking chuff me if he doesn't get me back soon I'm going to disgrace myself :D
     
    North Yorks Red, May 13, 2015
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  4. fir

    fired Administrator Staff Member Admin

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    Seems to me your dog is brighter than you think.

    Your dog has identified a regular routine & place to do its business, (which to me sounds like a blessing of the "not having to pick up crap in random places" order)

    Meanwhile you're waging war at cows for no apparent reason.
     
    fired, May 13, 2015
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  5. DEETEE

    DEETEE Well-Known Member

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    You do realise the first public ***** the pup does will have the consistency of gravy...good luck cleaning that up
     
    DEETEE, May 13, 2015
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  6. Jay

    Jay Well-Known Member

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    There was a very apparent reason. They were going to trample us and kill us. I might have underplayed it above, but they were being very aggressive.
     
    Jay, May 13, 2015
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  7. Plankton Pete

    Plankton Pete Well-Known Member

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    *******s the lot of yer, I'm getting weird looks on a train whilst chuckling at my phone.
     
    Plankton Pete, May 13, 2015
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  8. Dys

    Dyson Well-Known Member

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    Pissing myself at the image of you smacking the f.cker & then brushing that daft hair out of your eyes after whilst looking to make sure no one was watching.
     
    Dyson, May 13, 2015
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  9. Thomas Bellamy

    Thomas Bellamy Member

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    I bet the cow went away in a bad moo....d.
     
    Thomas Bellamy, May 13, 2015
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  10. fir

    fired Administrator Staff Member Admin

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    Quote ; They were going to trample us and kill us.

    In that case you underplayed it & I'm dafter than your dog. :)
     
    fired, May 13, 2015
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  11. Gimson&theBarnsleys

    Gimson&theBarnsleys Well-Known Member

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    I'm sure there's a song knocking about with regards to a "cow puncher"; or maybe it's a cow puncher's daughter?:biggrin:
     
    Gimson&theBarnsleys, May 13, 2015
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  12. Prince of Risborough

    Prince of Risborough Well-Known Member

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    Funniest thread of the day!

    Hope there was no CCTV coverage of this assault on the cow. Could be one of those embarrassing news items that appears in the News of the World, or Yahoo's front page blog section.

    "Today, an unknown man somewhere in Yorkshire was seen to punch a cow on the nose. It is not known at this stage if the cow will be taking legal action"
     
    Prince of Risborough, May 13, 2015
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  13. Sparky

    Sparky Well-Known Member

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    Were you in Blazing Saddles:)
     
    Sparky, May 13, 2015
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  14. andytyke

    andytyke Administrator Staff Member Admin

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    our dogs about 15 now, hardly ever **** while walking, would get back and do one, or would have a **** while walking and then get back and have another in the garden.

    Now shes fecked and isn't interested in going for a walk, she just sh1ts all over the garden about 7 frigging times a day.

    Shes hinestly good for nowt.

    you'd a been a bit fooked had the cows charged at you, they have been known to do it in the past
     
    andytyke, May 13, 2015
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  15. Whi

    Whitey Guest

    Our dog gets some very lengthy walkage out of me. But 9 times out of 10 he waits until we've left a field/grassed area etc before unloading. So often now that I'm convinced he does it deliberately. Last month, we'd been out for around four hours, we stopped at a pub halfway, it was a lovely day. We got home, I let him off the lead as we walked up the drive and he unloaded on the front lawn. Staring at me.

    I love him.
     
    Whitey, May 13, 2015
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  16. wil

    wilkojohnson Active Member

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    Proper pissin' missen there, post of the year Jay

    Thanks
     
    wilkojohnson, May 13, 2015
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  17. Cun

    Cunning Stunt Well-Known Member

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    So Jay assaults a live animal when he was trespassing on its owners land, it's hilarious and gets numerous replies saying its the funniest thread of the year.

    I let my lad on Oakwell pitch and I'm a bad parent.

    This fookin forum is fecked up?!?!?

    :) :) :)
     
    Cunning Stunt, May 13, 2015
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  18. Sparky

    Sparky Well-Known Member

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    You'd have done better if you punched your lad in the face;);)
     
    Sparky, May 13, 2015
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  19. Prince of Risborough

    Prince of Risborough Well-Known Member

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    Well I just thought it was a funny story but I don't really believe it happened. I don't think a punch on the nose would register that much on a cow but I might be wrong.

    Invading a football pitch though is just wrong. Time and time again it just causes trouble. The thick idiots that all football clubs have on the terraces just see it as a perfect excuse to do some damage to either the away fans or opposition players.

    But you carry on telling us it's just kids having a bit of fun.
     
    Prince of Risborough, May 13, 2015
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  20. Cun

    Cunning Stunt Well-Known Member

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    Therein lies the problem with a certain group on the BBS! Thanks
     
    Cunning Stunt, May 13, 2015
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