If your lass ever asks you to put up some shelves

Either tell her to **** off or get a signed affidavit that they'll be up there in perpetuity.

You've moved in to a new house, your lass is all excited about the possibilities and you're eager to please (and to earn a boat load of brownie points). She's full of plans for the house and she wants shelves in the alcoves at either side of the chimney breast in the front room. A library feel to the place, "Finally, somewhere to put all our books."

You want to impress, you want to do a good job and, being a man, you'll think these shelves are going to be there forever. You can't envisage a time when you'll no longer need shelves. If you've got stuff, it needs to go on a shelf. So you measure up, buy all the wood, attach the battens to the alcove (going through about 50 drill bits in the process as you try to bore in to 1930s red brick), you saw, sand, stain and varnish the wood, every hole for the screws is countersunk and then filled with light oak wood filler to match the stain. They look great and she's well pleased. The truth is you've over engineered them to ****. The shelves aren't attached to the house, the house is attached to the shelves. When the storms come, it's the shelves holding the whole place together. A heard of elephants could use them as bunks. But it doesn't matter, because, being a man, you believe they'll outlive you.

Wrong!

We now want a minimalist feel apparently. All sharp, clean lines (whatever the **** that means), the walls need skimming and there's no room for oak book shelves, they'll have to come down. It would be easier to knock down the whole house and start again than get these b'stards off the wall. They're like ******* limpets. Great big wooden b'stard limpets. Even if I could get to the screws that are holding them up (which I can't because of the filler) there's about a million in each shelf. And I can't use my cordless screwdriver. Oh no. The charger for that went to Scarborough with her, under the mistaken belief it was her phone charger, and never came back.

Anyone want to buy a house? It's got nice shelves.

 

Brilliant.

 

Paint em white - that's minimalist innit?

 

one of my greatest ever achievements, was a shelf I put up in the kitchen ,dropping off exactly one year to the day I put it up, smashing half our lasses terracotta kitchen collection ,remember had been waiting for payday to get stuff to put it up ,it was February and one year later on February payday it all came tumbling down, think it was the no nails glue I squirted into the last screw hole as I had run out of screws that caused its demise, but I bow to the power of your shelf fixing and hope you find a way to get the things off the wall

 

As if Crystal would ever expect me to do any DIY!

 

Sorry, but that's so funny Jay, certainly put a smile on my face. No consolation I know, but there'll be plenty out there in new-builds that would love to be drilling into solid 1930s red brick.

 

If they're on either side of the chimney breast box them in, tell her you're having a smaller room.

 

Should have got a man in a proper man.

 

Another reason why Kindle's are evil! Unravelling all those hard hours of man work because she doesn't want books anymore!

 

How long betwixt Edwardian splendour and no fecking imagination hospital waiting room white?

 

3 key mistakes made:

1. Being good at DIY

2. Letting her know you're good at DIY

3. Raising expectations

Funny though!

 

I'll buy it

Not a fan of solar panels, though. They'd have to come off.

 

With the wife behind em

 

Re: I'll buy it

shhhhh ! dont mnention the solar panels.... i mentiond them once but i think i got away with it !

 

Re: I'll buy it

After my last attempt at putting shelves up ar lass will never ask me again!