Wembley help please

I'm interested in going on the train but I don't like them trains they have in the sewers, the dirty Southern *******s. I don't want to drive as I want to get absolutely shitcanned. I don't want to go on a coach as I'm scarred from an incident where I shat my pants on the way to Flamingo Land in Year 4 of Junior school. I don't want to go in a taxi as the driver might be an Asian and I'm a massive racist. Can anyone help please?

Also, can anyone suggest an alternative method of watching the match other than sitting in a seat as my anus is plastic intolerant?

Thank you.

 

If you can get yourself to Hull you could go by rubber dinghy. Just take a right at Southend when you see the Thanes.

 

I thought about that, but I have a phobia about sea water after an embarrassing incident with a can of tuna in brine.

 

Travelling by space hopper could be a viable option for you.

Also have the added bonus of taking your own seat so you can sit in all parts of the ground.

 

Due to an incident at Windscale Nuclear Power Plant in the 70's which was covered up by MI5, I have the power to stop and move time.

I also have an account with comfy rickshaw travels so I suggest that they come and collect you, I'll stop time and start it when you're about 10 minutes away. In the meantime I'll have built a rickshaw station at Wembley from where you can watch the game in luxuriating comfort.

This offer is conditional on production of your Centenary Society card.

 

I'm not in it, but I did go to Luton away when it was on the telly...

 

Haha one upmanship and umbrage from da Old Skool