My life in microcosm

18 months ago I walked past our local rec and could see the place was absolutely filled with litter. I never used the rec, but I thought it was terrible that the local kids had to play in such a messy place. So, I went to ASDA, bought a roll of wheelie bin bags, and then spent the afternoon clearing the whole place taking multiple trips to the dumpit.

Since I've got the dog I go to the rec the all the time. The place is full of dog **** but none of it is from my dog. I always bag it and bin.

A couple of days ago I was painting the house so I got the wife's parents to have the dog for the day. I took the opportunity to wash all my dog walking clothes.

Yesterday morning I got up to take the dog for a walk. I didn't take a shower first, so rather than put on my fresh, clean dog walking clothes, I put on the clothes I did the painting in the day before. I took the dog to the rec. The little b'stard **** right in the middle of the football pitch. He never does that. I reach in to my back pocket to get a poo bag to clear it up. No bags. Oh ********, I haven't got my dog walking clothes on, where I always keep poo bags in the pockets, I'm wearing my ******* painting clothes and I forgot to pick up any bags. I'm not wearing my coat either, where I keep more bags, as it doesn't fit over this bulky jumper. ******* hell!

So, I get together some grass clippings in order to allow me to pick this dog **** up and not get it on my hands. I walk over to the woods and dump this pile of stuff under a tree where nobody ever walks, it can't do any harm and it'll just rot down without anyone knowing a thing about it. I feel bad, but it's the best I can do under the circumstances and a million times better than leaving dog **** in the middle of a field where children play.

I'm unaware of it, but watching me this whole time are a couple of council officers. When I get to the other side of the rec, they stop the car, call me over and I'm fined £75 for littering. Had I left the dog **** in the middle of the field, I would have only been done for dog fouling which is a much smaller fine.

I know there's millions of people far worse off than me. What's happened to people in Belgium is horrendous and this cannot possibly compare. People are dying in war zones all over the world so what the **** am I doing complaining about £75. But sometimes I just think, ******* hell.

 

Depending on the council, the fine for dog fouling ranges from £50 to £80, so it might have cost you more (£1000 is the max if it goes to court).

 

It is pretty funny in a Larry David kind of way

 

Appeal it.

 

But my only advice would be if you think you will win. Not wanting to be a killjoy Jay, but the evidence isn't exactly strong in your defence. I believe you, as over the years we've met a couple of times and I know what your principles are from reading countless messages on here.

I know its a shitty hand you've been dealt but £75 against a potential £1k fine is possible, and you'll more than likely have court costs.

I'd advise getting advice from a solicitor (The first hour will be free) or writing a letter to your local councillor for help.

 

Arf.

 

**** for luck pal . More importantly what colour is your house?

 

I'm not going to appeal it, I did it, I just think it's so ****ing unfair.

 

Absolutely, it's a good story to tell. I just wish these ******* things would stop happening to me. I want to read the stories, not b'stard write them. I want to be the one with the good job, the flash car and hundreds of exotic friends. Not the silly lovely person picking up dog **** and getting fined for it.

 

It's bad enough having to pick it up without having to peel it as well

 

'kin do-gooders

If you'd have left all that rubbish in the rec you'd have found something to clear the 5hit up with.

Only kidding - life is just a basturd sometimes.

 

I could have had 100 more double entendre's but I had to stop myself.

 

It is mate. In fact thats about as unlucky a story as I've ever heard. Tbf I don't know how something natural can be classed as littering? Grass and **** aren't litter.

Granted they could still do you for the dogs hit but you moved it to an area where it wasn't a danger.

 

Judging by the state of most public spaces and town pavements you were really unlucky to get caught committing that "crime". What are the chances of a warden being there at that precise moment? Grossly unlucky!

 

Jay, I'm sorry but you need to pay the 75 quid. After all how else would the council fund two officers doing the work of one bloke.

 

I can't compete with that. But in a very similar vein I picked my 3 year old up oorm nursery the other day and set off on the 5 minute walk home. Halfway there she starts fidgeting.

"What's up darling?"

"Need a poo-poo"

"Its ok, we're nearly home"

"Okay daddy, love you"

"Love you too"

"Daddy?"

"Yes sweetheart?"

"My poo-poo is coming now!"

Trousers down, scooped her up in to a sitting position desperately trying to keep my camel coloured vintage Farah coat away from the theatre of conflict, whilst she curled out the biggest **** I've ever seen. On the footpath. It looked like something a rotweiller would have been embarrassed do have done. Of course I had nothing to wipe her bum with or anything in which to pick it up. Defeated, I just had to leave it there.

I was convinced that at this point a council officer would appear and issue me a spot fine. Luckily that bit didn't happen. I wonder if I could have challenged the fine on the grounds of it being my child and not a dog. Or whether they'd have believed that my beautiful little girl could have produced something so offensive.

 

You might have been charged for exposing a minor in public (if there is such a charge). Surely in these days of uber-sensitivity about child abuse it can't be right to have a kid's private bits on show in a public street?

Funny story though

 

Bottom line (forgive the pun) is that you were wrong and have to pay up.

 

You sound like a character from something by Kurt Vonnegut or Joseph Heller...

 

I am a character