Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

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  1. Skryptic

    Skryptic Well-Known Member

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    My missus told me she was leaving because I keep pointing out the obvious.

    I said "Well the door is right there."
     
    Skryptic, Aug 18, 2018
    #441
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  2. Farnham_Red

    Farnham_Red Administrator Staff Member Admin

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    And this years top 10 from the Fringe

    1) Working at the jobcentre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day. Adam Rowe

    2) I had a job drilling holes for water – it was well boring. Leo Kearse

    3) I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. Olaf Falafel

    4) In my last relationship I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me. Daniel Audritt

    5) What do colour-blind people do when they are told to eat their greens? Flo & Joan

    6) I’ve got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it’s not easy. They keep moving the goalposts. Darren Walsh

    7) Trump said he’d build a wall but he hasn’t even picked up a brick. He’s just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project. Justin Moorhouse

    8=) I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it. Adele Cliff

    8=) Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off? Alex Edelman

    10) I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it’s like this all the time. Laura Lexx
     
    Farnham_Red, Aug 20, 2018
    #442
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  3. Sup

    SuperTyke Well-Known Member

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    The annoying thing about the winner this year is that it isn't a new joke. I heard it a couple of years ago at least
     
    SuperTyke, Aug 20, 2018
    #443
  4. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    A guy walks past a pet store and sees a sign in the window. Talking centipede £10. So he buys it and takes it home. At night he asks it Do you fancy a pint? No answer. He asks again Do you fancy a pint? Still no answer. Now annoyed he shouts DO YOU FANCY A PINT? and the centipede replies. No need to shout, I heard you the first time..... I'm putting on my shoes.
     
    arabian_ian, Aug 21, 2018
    #444
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  5. Austiniho

    Austiniho Well-Known Member

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    I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday!

    I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
     
    Austiniho, Aug 25, 2018
    #445
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  6. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    But does the light actually go out when you close the door?
     
    arabian_ian, Aug 25, 2018
    #446
  7. shenk1

    shenk1 Well-Known Member

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    My dad was so tight he took the bulb out just in case ;)
     
    shenk1, Aug 25, 2018
    #447
  8. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    Is he Scottish?
     
    arabian_ian, Aug 25, 2018
    #448
  9. shenk1

    shenk1 Well-Known Member

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    100% Yorkshire......we could teach you lot a thing or two about personal equity retention ;)
     
    shenk1, Aug 25, 2018
    #449
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  10. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    I'm not so sure about that. LOL
     
    arabian_ian, Aug 26, 2018
    #450
  11. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    Bloke goes into a fish shop and orders a fish in batter. The girl behind the counter says "It won't be long". "It better be fat then" said the bloke.
     
    Stahlrost, Aug 26, 2018
    #451
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  12. Marlon

    Marlon Well-Known Member

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    Bloke goes in fish and chip shop and says fish and chips twice please and assistant says I heard you the first time.
     
    Marlon, Aug 26, 2018
    #452
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  13. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    After finding 5 Mars bars, 3 Snickers, a Flake and a packet of M&M's, I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a Bounty hunter....
     
    arabian_ian, Aug 26, 2018
    #453
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  14. thetykester

    thetykester Well-Known Member

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    Why do the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?


    So when they come into port they can SCAN da navy in.
     
    thetykester, Aug 26, 2018
    #454
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  15. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    FF72B4A5-5A48-4B5F-A91A-513A862A5A55.jpeg
     
    Connor, Aug 26, 2018
    #455
  16. thetykester

    thetykester Well-Known Member

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    Paddy is in the barn with a pair of sussies and a bra dancing around a Tractor, Murphy sez "what are the Hecky your dooin Paddy"

    Well sez Paddy " I went to the doctor thi other day and told him about my ailing sex life so he told me to do something sexy to attract her
     
    thetykester, Aug 26, 2018
    #456
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  17. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
     
    arabian_ian, Aug 26, 2018
    #457
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  18. Met

    Metatarsal Well-Known Member

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    Farmer went to his local pub and sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

    The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

    'What a coincidence' the Farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

    'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

    'What a coincidence!' said the Farmer.

    As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

    'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my doctor confirmed that I'm pregnant!'

    'What a coincidence!' said the Farmer. 'I'm a poultry farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

    'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

    'I used a different ****,' he replied.

    The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'
     
    Metatarsal, Aug 26, 2018
    #458
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  19. churtonred

    churtonred Well-Known Member

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    Just introducing the other half to the delights of Life On Mars for the first time so I thought I'd just leave this here...….

     
    churtonred, Aug 27, 2018
    #459
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  20. Dun

    Duntpasstome Well-Known Member

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    If you grew up in the 70s 80s then this will make you smile.
     
    Duntpasstome, Aug 27, 2018
    #460
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