Made me laugh

Here's one I like from the TV programme "No Activity".

2 vomits walking down the road after a while they reach the corner of a street and the 1st vomit starts to get all emotional and choked up.

The 2nd vomit asks the 1st vomit if he is OK. The first vomits says "I'll be alright in a second it's just that I was brought up round here".

 

A Frog Goes Into A Bank ...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier. He can see from her nameplate that the cashier's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "£30,000." The cashier asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

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The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"

 

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

 

I was talking to a man in the pub tonight. I said, “I got a parking ticket today.” He said, “Really? Where did you get it?” I said, “Under my windscreen wiper.”

On a recent trip to Australia, I witnessed a shark sunbathing in a fever of cartilaginous fishes. It was Basking in the Rays.

I have just designed a photo app for grandmothers. It is called “Instagran”

I glanced through a window today and thought I saw a sheep pole dancing. On closer inspection it was a kebab shop.

My friend is a tree surgeon. He has lost many patients who simply refused to climb up there.

I keep all my puff pastry recipes in alphabetical order in my Filofax.

When I started my new job in the City, I turned up naked. I got a bit confused, I thought I was learning how to deal with shocks and stares.

I poured broth all over my car yesterday. It really souped it up.

 

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics.
He makes friends with the tribe’s chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time.
One day, the chief’s wife gives birth to… a white child! The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock.
The chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look, you’re the only white man we’ve ever seen around here, and my wife just gave birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”
The professor replied, “Excuse me Chief, but you’re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the European world call an "Albino"! Look at that field over there. All the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief was silent for a moment, then said,
“Tell you what. I won’t say anything more about that baby, if you don’t say anything more about that sheep."

 

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

 

My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.
I don't believe him, I think he's torqueing out of his arse.

 

Many years ago, the Attenborough brothers were on a filming expedition with the BBC on the Central African plains when they retired to their camp for the night. In the early hours of the morning, unable to sleep, David woke his brother up. Laying there under the stars, David asked his brother, Richard, to look up at the stars and galaxies and tell him what it meant. Richard said "The haziness means a warm start to the day, the vastness of the galaxy means we are insignificant in a great plan, and we are laying in an easterly direction based on where the north star is. What does it mean to you David?"

David replied, "My dear brother, it means that someone has stolen our bloody tent........."

 

When I worked for Burger King, Andrew Lloyd Webber once came in an asked me for two woppers. I said "You're good looking and your musicals are great"

 

For women over a certain age, go Braless, it takes the Wrinkles out of your face.

 

I have just failed a colour blindness test. Well that came out of the purple.

 

During his time in the Army, Bob Marley always polished his boots alone.

He was the buff alone soldier.

 

Scientist have found a food that causes misery & suffering years after it has been eaten...................................................Wedding cake.

 

Bloke had an injection of Gorilla placenta, turned out to be invaluable as his company was looking for a new Hairier manager.

 

Daft bugger. LOL

 

My friend blew all his life savings on a sex change op.

And, now, he hasn't got a sausage.

 

Yesterday I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Wonder which will come first?

 

Paddy and Shamus doing crossword puzzles

Paddy: "How do you spell Paint?"
Shamus: "What colour?"