Made me laugh

One from the Ken Bruce show today.

What did the cheese say when it looked at itself in the mirror?

Hallo me.

As some one else says "I'll get mi coit".

 

Walked into a clothes store earlier & said ow ********* where the **** is the tie section FFS, excuse me but you can't use language like that in here says the assistant, oh yeh, well what does that sign say?.......Men swear. I was p!1ssed.


Now I will get mi coit.

 

My wife kicked me out of the house because my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad. But don’t worry...

I’ll return.

 

Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom.

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fukcing spank him."

 

Road to hell?

 

"You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life."

"But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad."

"I know, son."

 

It is sensible to get married in the morning. Then if it doesn't work out you have not ruined the whole day.

 

My local pub is a 10 minute walk from my house,
Yet my house is a 60 minute walk from the pub !
The difference is staggering !

 

Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to York Racecourse.
When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Class 3?'

'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.’

 

I was trying to get home in time for my tea but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving really slowly and kept stalling.

"Come on you stupid cow, get a move on!!!" I shouted.....I make a terrible driving instructor

 

Some good news for insomniacs..... It's only four sleeps til Christmas!

 

Fred had been having a long boozing session. When he began slurring his words the barman says 'Fred, I think you'd better be off home now..'
'Yis I fink you righttt' says Fred.
Just as he moves off from his bar stool he falls flat on his face. 'I must be pissed' he says to himself and crawls to the pub door. He hauls himself up by the door handle, pushes the door open and when the fresh air hits him he falls flat on his face again.
'God' he thinks 'I need to get to bed' and he crawls the quarter mile to his house. He pulls himself up by the door handle, fumbles for his key, opens the door, pushes it open and falls flat on his face in the hall. He pulls himself up the flight of stairs to his bedroom, pushes the door open with his head' shuffles up to his bed, manages to maneouvre onto it and immediately passes out into a drunken sleep.
Lunchtime the next day his wife shakes him awake.
'What's up' says Fred tenderly.
'Ive just had a call from the pub' replies his wife 'You forgot your wheelchair '.

 

Can’t believe it’s 13 weeks until pancake day and shops are already selling eggs and flour!

 

A tanker carrying red paint has collided with a tanker carrying blue paint in mid Atlantic. Fortunately there are no reports of any fatalities but all the sailors have apparently been marooned.