Made me laugh

Arabian Ian and Young Nudger walking darn oakwell lane on Boxing Day, eating a bag of chips, and Young Nudger turns to Ian and sez if tha can guess how many chips i've got left, thar can av em BOTH.

happy xmas to u all xx

 

Presumably Ian says 3

 

Oakwellian, Connor, and Young Nudger aving a few pints before match on Boxing day, the pub is Oakwellians local, tells the other two how well the Landlord looks after his regulars, lets em av erery 4th pint on the House.

Connor sez thats knowt at my local, they give us beer at half price all day.

Young Nudger, pipes up and sez thats noothin at ar local as soon as tha walks through door theres a pint thrust into ya hand, and when tha cant drink ought else they put ya to bed and make sure ya get laid ###

Oakwellian and Connor look at each other skeptically, and Connor sez ******** that'll nivver happen.

Young Nudger sez no its true every word of it.

Oakwellian sez and this happened to you.

Young Nudger sez, well no not to me personnally, but it did happen to mi bird.

 

Oakwellian, Connor and Young Nudger driving over to Leeds to watch Footy, anyhow at Wakey car breaks darn, Fooking hell sez Connor we'll av to walk,

Oakwellian sez im tekking a seat so i can sit comfotable when i get tired,

Connor rips radiator art and sez i can av a drink when i get thirsty,

Young Nudger rips door off and sets off walking, the other two shout after him, Nudger wot ya tekking door for,

Young Nudger stops turns and sez if it gets warm i can wind the window down

 

Tony Tyke, Anstonred and Arabian Ian, aving a beer prior to match,

Fly lands o Anstonreds pint incensed he pushes it to one side and orders another,

Fly lands on Tony Tykes glass who shruggs his shoulders squats the fly and drinks his beer,

Several minutes later the fly lands in Arabian Ians beer, Furious Ian picks out the fly, and violently shaking the fly over his pint pot, and screaming SPIT IT OUT ya wee *******.

 

And this is absolutely true.

 

Harry is visiting his grandma. She complains about the high cost of living. "When I was a girl, you could go out with a shilling and come back home with a dozen eggs, two pints of milk, a pound of bacon, half a pound of tea and a fresh chicken." Harry says, "that's inflation for you." Grandma says," it's nothing to do with inflation, it's all them bladdy security cameras they have nowadays."
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If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks. Cost me a bloody arm and a leg.
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If there was a saggy boobs competition, my missus would win everyone. In fact she would sweep the floor with them.
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Therapist said: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?" Me: "Can't say I do." Therapist: "That's one of them."
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A customer walks into a computer store and approaches a sales clerk.
"I'm looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics," says the customer.
"You know, something really challenging."
The clerk looks at the man and says.
"Have you tried Windows 10?"
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To everyone who received books from me for Christmas. They're due back at the library next Monday.
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I've been diagnosed with Gammon Flu... I did have Swine Flu But they 'Cured' me
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My partner was very excited when I said I was taking him to see the Northern Lights. She seemed less enthusiastic as we drove past the Blackpool Illuminations.
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I delivered a parcel to the surgery today... It was just what the doctor ordered.
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I went to a fancy dress party the other day. I went as Oxygen. I was in my element.
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I saw the actor Michael J Fox at my garden centre today.. Just knew it was him as he had his back to the Fuchsia.
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My friend got a cleaner who is eastern European. Took her 15 hours to Hoover around the house. She was a Slovak.

 

Took our lass by surprise t’other day. Bought her a bunch of flowers. She said, “I suppose I’ll av to open mi legs fo them will I” So I said “ why, ant wi gorra vase big enough “ OUCH.

 

You told it better the first time.

 

Old brain cells kicking in mate I’m guessing.

 

A group of chess players checked into a hotel and stood in the lobby talking about their tournament victories. Suddenly the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. " Because I can't stand stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

Arabian Ian, Young Nudger and Hooky Feller aving a pint on New Years eve, talking abart their first born.

Hookey Feller sez my son was born on St Georges day, hence the name GEORGE

Arabian Ian sez my son was born on St Andrews day, and thats why we called him ANDREW.

That's foookin amazing blurted Young Nudger, thats exactly what happened to our PANCAKE

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YA ALL XXXX

 

What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

"Are you having a crisis?"

 

3 blokes in the pub. First one says "I was born on St David's day that's why I'm called David."

Next one says "I was born on St Andrew's day that's why I'm called Andrew......what day were you born on Pancake ?"

 

Arabian Ian, Young Nudger and Oakwellian, going to Footy and to their amazement Shuttlebottoms fair is on the Ground Forecourt

They find the magic slide, SIGN sez, slide and wish, and your wish will await you at the bottom.

Arabian Ian throws himsen forward down the slide and wishes for booze, splash lands in a vat of whiskey

Oakwellian follows suit and wishes for wealth, lands in a pool of 20 parnd notes

Young Nudger cant hold back his excitement jumps on the slide and shouts WEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

Check two posts above

 

Beer