Made me laugh

Take it you just wasted 4 mins of your life on that one

 

Just phoned Radio Tay to enter their Mystery Prize competition.
The presenter answered and said,
"Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize".
"Brilliant " I said.
The presenter said ,It's a Maths Question
Great I said ,I love maths, feeling confident.
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 tickets to a Dundee game and meet the players after the game.
What is 2+2 ?
"7", I replied.

 

Two liars having a disscusion as to whome was the greatest liar.

Liar 1 "I actually swam up the Niagra falls last week with my arms & legs tied together"

Liar 2 " Yes I know, I saw you do it"

 

Lifted from the Sunderland forum:
"the lass serving behind the bar had a gob like a burnt out fuse box" - chortle!

 

Just returned some books to the library. All of 'em great reading:

Obesity:The Growing Menace - Hugh Jarse
Home Furnishings - Walter Walcarpet
Fast Food:The Great British Takeaway - Donna K Babb
Coming Out:My Journey To Gay Freedom - Phil McCrevice
How To Grow Old Gracefully - Jerry Attrick
Memoirs Of A Female Jockey - Gigi Ryder

 

In 1967 after her trip to the States, Government Minister Barbara Castle came back to the UK and introduced legislation to allow Police to carry out roadside checks using the breathalyser to test motorists suspected of drink driving. I was in the kitchen, so I don't know if I heard it right on the TV this morning, but I'm sure they said that the Home Secretary
is going to ban **** at Christmas.!!

 

Surely you mean Barbara Castle who was Transport Minister around that time. Barbara Cartland was an author of sloppy romantic love stories.

 

I did DR When I was posting my wife was watching a recording on the Royals and it mentioned
Lady Diana who's stepmother was Raine, Barbara Cartlands daughter. Like to say that you spotted
my deliberate mistake, but it wasn't, it was a Senior moment. Cheers.

 

A Sheffield united fan, A Barnsley fan and a Sheffield Wednesday fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "today" is my first wife's birthday, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Wednesday fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Wednesday fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Sheffield United fan was next up (he almost finished a half a crate), and after watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and he squealed like a pig.
The Barnsley fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of England, your Town has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Barnsley fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie that Wednesday fan to my back!

 

Just got back from a sea fishing trip, saw a Russian Spy Whale off the coast of flamboro, Police suspect it might av a sinister Porpoise

 

A lorry carrying a load of timber has collided with a van loaded with strawberry conserve on the M62. Emergency services are doing all they can to prevent a logjam.