Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

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  1. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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    RedStriker, May 14, 2019
    #921
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  2. Spa

    Sparkfield red Well-Known Member

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    Sparkfield red, May 15, 2019
    #922
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  3. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    What has a cordless razor and the premiership have in common?


    No Leeds.
     
    arabian_ian, May 16, 2019
    #923
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  4. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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    RedStriker, May 18, 2019
    #924
  5. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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    RedStriker, May 18, 2019
    #925
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  6. Did

    Didcot Red Well-Known Member

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    One from the current edition of Private Eye.

    Lady goes to the counter at M&S and asks "Are these knickers satin?"
    Shop assistant replies "No, they're brand new."
     
    Didcot Red, May 20, 2019
    #926
  7. Winker

    Winker Well-Known Member

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    Just got in after a 14 hr shift, Wife sez wot turns you on more, my Pretty face or my Sexy body, after looking her up n darn, I said reight now your foookin sense of humour
     
    Winker, May 21, 2019
    #927
  8. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    Connor, May 21, 2019
    #928
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  9. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    Connor, May 22, 2019
    #929
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  10. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    An undercover cop called at my farm in rural Dorset yesterday evening...
    “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

    “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

    The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the **** I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this ******* badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the **** I want, have I made myself clear?!”

    I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.

    I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,

    “Your badge, show him your ******* badge!”
     
    Connor, May 22, 2019
    #930
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  11. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    Why is Mickey Mouse's helicopter nae use in Scotland?

    Disneyland.
     
    arabian_ian, May 22, 2019
    #931
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  12. thetykester

    thetykester Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]
     
    thetykester, May 22, 2019
    #932
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  13. MarioKempes

    MarioKempes Well-Known Member

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    What does a Leeds fan do when Leeds have been promoted to the Premier League?

    He switches off his Playstation.
     
    MarioKempes, May 22, 2019
    #933
  14. Donny Red

    Donny Red Well-Known Member

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    When they were both alive, a Scot once asked his mate in the pub, what was the difference between Bing Crosby
    and Walt Disney.

    His answer was " Bing Crosby sings but Walt Disney."

    Incidentally good luck against St Mirren " the nicht " Ian. Hope your lads can do it and
    take a healthy lead back to Paisley for the second leg.
     
    Donny Red, May 23, 2019
    #934
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  15. Donny Red

    Donny Red Well-Known Member

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    My old Mum used to collect Russian dolls. I hated them, they were so
    full of themselves.
     
    Donny Red, May 23, 2019
    #935
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  16. Donny Red

    Donny Red Well-Known Member

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    Once attended a Conference at the Savoy Hotel in London. During a break for refreshment
    I asked a waiter who was the most famous person he had ever met during his time there.
    Without hesitation and with a smile on his face he said it was Lady Ga Ga. Very genuine
    down to earth person.

    She had stayed at the hotel during a trip to London and he got to know her quite well,
    so much so, she asked him for a special favour. She's apparently was a very heavy sleeper
    and as she had an early morning interview on a local radio station, she asked if he would go to
    her room in the morning to wake her. I asked him what he was asked to do. He replied.......
    Poke 'er face.
     
    Donny Red, May 23, 2019
    #936
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  17. shenk1

    shenk1 Well-Known Member

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    Our lass was begging me for sex the other day and she say to me "Do it to me Liverpool style!!!"

    I said "What the hell is Liverpool style"

    So she showed me....you spend ages on top then come second ;)
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2019
    shenk1, May 23, 2019
    #937
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  18. TitusMagee

    TitusMagee Well-Known Member

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    Unfortunate typo there :D
     
    TitusMagee, May 23, 2019
    #938
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  19. shenk1

    shenk1 Well-Known Member

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    Well spotted :D
     
    shenk1, May 23, 2019
    #939
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  20. Lor

    Lordtyke Well-Known Member

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    Fred took his 8 year old daughter to work with him on a company "Bring your family to see where you work" open day.
    He was showing her around the busy office and the staff were cooing over her and making a fuss of her when she suddenly burst into tears.
    "Whatever is the matter sweetheart?" asked her dad.

    Sobbing, she replied "You said you work with a bunch of clowns daddy, but I can't see any!"
     
    Lordtyke, May 26, 2019
    #940
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