Made me laugh

I'm so glad you called it a "little paper bag" and not a "little brown paper bag" cos god knows where we would have ended up.

 

FIRST HEARD THIS JOKE OVER 30 YEARS AGO BUT IT'S STILL ONE OF MY FAVOURITES.
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A male rabbit lives in a cage in a laboratory in the Gallagher cigarette factory.
Everyday he's subjected to smoking 10 cigarettes an hour just to see how it affects his dependency on nicotine and his overall well-being.
One hot summer's day a lab technician leaves a window open for some fresh air and a wild rabbit decides to investigate.
He pops his head through the window and sees the caged rabbit smoking away so shouts to him, "Hello, what's your name and how long have you lived here?"
The caged rabbit replies, "My name is Tom and I've lived here ever since I was born"
The wild rabbit says, "Have you never wanted to see what life is like on the outside Tom?"
Tom replies that he looks out of the window every day and wonders what's on the other side so the wild rabbit pops through the window and unfastens the cage.
"Follow me he says, I'll show you things you could only ever dream of." .
"What do you have to eat every day?" says the wild rabbit.
Tom replies, "Just bran and some pellets in a bowl". The wild rabbit takes him to a field full of carrots and says, "Eat some of these, they're crunchy, sweet and full of flavour - eat as many as you want because they're low in calories." Tom spends 30 minutes or so enjoying munching on the carrots before the wild rabbit says, "Have you ever tried lettuce?"
Tom replies, "No, never heard of them" so the wild rabbit leads him to a field full of lettuce and says, "These are fresh, crunchy and mouthwatering - again low calories so you can eat as many as you like."
Tom tucks in and gorges on lettuce for another half an hour before he says to the wild rabbit, "That food was outstanding but I've had enough to eat, is there anything else to show me"
"Have you ever been with a female rabbit?" says the wild one. "Never had the chance being caged up", replies Tom, so the wild rabbit takes him to another field full of female rabbits.
"There you go mate, sh*g as many as you want, they're all up for it." Over the next hour, Tom duly has his way with as many female rabbits as possible before he tires and says to the wild rabbit, "Thanks for the best day of my life pal, I've never had such an amazing day, but I must get back to the laboratory"
The wild rabbit is astounded, "Why the hell would you want to go back to a cage when you've had carrots, lettuce and a multitude of female rabbits?" to which Tom replies, "I'm dying for a cig"

 

Simese twins discussing holiday plans. One says to the other, it's always the same every year. We hire a car and go to Blackpool. I want to go to France this year. The other twin asks, why France?
Because I want a shot of doing the driving.

 

Sad, sad people who are setting off fireworks in the middle of October. One frightened the dog so much she ran and hid under the Christmas Tree.

 

Where do I see myself in a year?

I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

 

It's the way you tell 'em.

 

I am booked as an after dinner speaker at the annual Premature Ejaculation Society ball next month. I rang the organiser and asked the dress code. He Said:

"Why don't you just come in your pants, that's what we all do"

 

I’ll bet the meals are served on a first come first served basis !

 

Went on an Assertiveness Training course today. It was rubbish, but I didn't like to say anything...

 

Watched a repeat of Pointless this afternoon. Two Irish lads formed one of the teams.
Their question was " name the first female Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police- ( CD)."

The answer of course is Cressida Dick. The contestants reply was " Caressa Dick." !!!

Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman had all on to control themselves.
A golden TV moment and as Richard said probably a cert for inclusion in a future edition
of "It will be alright on the night.".

 

Just on Caribbean cruise and a act called Peter Cutler brilliant, fantastic. Came out with a joke.

Two men talking at the bar, one from Berkshire & one Barnsley.
Man from Berkshire said" I say old chap, you used to be in the forces"

"Yes" said the Barnsley lad.

"Well you should hear us Royal fusiliers marching, brum,brum,brum,brum brum brum. 500 men sounded as one" Said the Berkshire man.

"Well the wants t get thi sen up t Yorkshire lad, we in the Wellington's 5th Yorkshire regiment had 500 men that sounded as one when we marched, brum,brum,brum,chink,chink. Said the Barnsley man.

Oh I see old chap but what's the chink, chink sound? Asked the Berkshire man.

Barnsley man said " Medals lad"

 

My attempts at german translations are going from bath to sausage!

 

I cannot be hypnotised. I remind the hypnotist of this every Wednesday when I go round his house to wash his car.

 

Wurst joke in a long time.

 

My wife says I’m getting fat but to be fair I’ve had a lot on my plate recently

 

Thar knows what its like Friday neight, channel flicking, Porn, Golf, Porn Golf, Porn, Golf, Porn, Golf, Wife sez for fooooks sake leave it on Porn thar knows r to play Golf, cheeky fuka.