Great put downs

Whilst working the clubs many many years ago and getting verbally abused by idiots who thought they were being smart by trying to finish gags off and therefore spoil it for others (hecklers were more than welcome infact the lad who was my minder so to speak would sit in the audience and actively encourage it if the audience were a little quieter and too respectful by shouting stuff out lol ).

my favourite put down to them was
...
Did you know that in this area the average depth of a woman's 2hat is 10inchs and the average male pen1s is 7inches erect that means theres a deficit of 3 inches of spare 2hatfor every bloke in here....now working out theres roughly 200 blokes in here tonight theres approximately an astounding 50 foot of spare 2hat knocking about... yes 50 ft can you imagin that .....and unfortunately five foot 7 of it keeps keeps lipping at me ...so shut the fxxk up

 

1. ten million sperms and it had to be you (dave spiky)

2. I never argue with stupid people, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience (Mark Twain...I think)

3. I once saw a rather snooty barrister cross-examining in Crown Court sarcastically ask a detective if he knew about the legal doctrine of res judicata. He replied: "In the police canteen the talk is of little else"

4. Sticking with Barristers I once had a discussion with one in London who expressed surprise to hear someone with such a strong Yorkshire accent use the word "axiomatic". I convinced him that my comprehensive school in Barnsley was chosen for a Government scheme in the 1970s to teach us big words because post-Kes it was thought it would give us a better chance in life; he believed me as well, right up to the point at the end of the meeting when I expressed surprise that a Barrister could be so gullible.

 

The best comeback I've heard and i still smile to this day is from JuddyG on ere.

Royston High Street circa 91-92ish. Midnightish, probably a Friday nite after a gallon or so of Skol. Int chippy getting our walking home snap.

He orders chips and sausage. Woman says "your chips are ready but your sausage won't be long"

To which he geniusly replies .......

"Well it better be a fat one then!"

 

"If you want my comeback, you'll have to scrape it from your mother's teeth".

Jimmy Carr

 

Another pearler back int day. Stopped over at ex missus sister and blokes house. Had a skinful. Gets up next morn for brekkie and her sister is ruff and says

"My mouth feels like bottom of a birdcage"

Quick as a flash her blowk says "Well it will have had a cockatoo in it"

 

Watched that other day. Blowk in the gods.

 

Not sure if this is good or not, but it worked.

I was lecturing to a group of engineering masters students. I always used to take my laptop with presentations on, connect to the screen, find the file and load it up, so they could see the filenames and types as I went to the relevant folder. Some lad who was always a bit cocky shouted from the back of the room 'careful we might see all your porn', I replied 'you'll not be interested, I've only got pictures of your mum'.

Never heard a peep from him for the rest of the course.

 

A couple of “Elvisisms” from the late Phil of The Mount.
One of the lads walked in sporting a massive black eye having had a slap in town the night before. “Who’d want to hit me?” he asked. Phil passed him the phone book and said “Tek thi fu**in pick!”
And to me when we were talking about horses.
“It’s been said that I have a certain horse like quality “ I said. Phil replied “What’s that, thi breath!”
Eee, a do miss that kid sometimes!

 

Haha love it!

 

I was in that day.......... boring Martin.

Phil was a legend.

 

When Hatfield Prison first opened, quite a number of Prison Officers became members
of the local Working Men's Club where I was also a member. Have to say, they were a
decent bunch of lads who quickly integrated into the life of our village.

Quite a few young local lads also started drinking at the Club and one of them who was
quite a good looking lad, used to position himself in front of a floor to ceiling mirror and
was constantly adjusting his hair and generally admiring himself.

One Saturday afternoon, he turned to one of his mates and said " you know, if there was
a Cup for the best looking bloke in Donny, I would win it." One of the PO's overheard him
and said " the last time I saw a face like yours, it was in a butchers window with a hook through
it." The poor kids face was an absolute picture as all the lads in the bar burst out laughing.
Must have hurt him because we never saw him in the Club after that.

 

Reminds me of a mate at College, and one day he got dumped by his girlfriend in the Dinner Hall in front of everyone. Quick as a flash he replied "do you always look like that or is it still Halloween".

 

'Too many coc*s spoil the breath'

 

Some years ago I was at a charity dinner in a marquee on the pitch at Ratcliffe Borough’s ground. Ferguson, Neil Midgely and Bernard Manning were the speakers. Manning notorious for abusing the audience was in the middle of his stint when this bloke got up to go for a pee. Walking past the stage he got both barrels from Manning with “Where the f*****g hell do you think you’re going ?” The bloke came back with “I’m going for a piss before the comedian gets up”. He came back to his seat after hhis pee and not a word from Manning.

 

Good one, Ben. You’re a very smart lad. Just Need to learn when to step back & let situations pan out..

Brilliant, but a bit long winded..

 

Cardiff fan got right in my face at Wembley looking for trouble. Screamed at me 'England is FULL OF ****'

I just replied calmly, 'it is today mate'.

 

My ex used when she was being chatted up ‘ if I wanted to **** a **** I’d be a lesbian’.

 

At school when i was daydreaming. Sarky History Teacher said "Did you get lost in thought lad. Unfamiliar territory was it."

To another lad "I'm sorry I called you stupid. I thought you already knew."

 

I was 20 years old, on guitar for Birmingham band Suicide Blonde. (INXS song came later)
Crap gig in Rugby, supposed to be opening for the Wonder Stuff, but they didn’t turn up. We played to a full room. Singer/ guitarist Karlos, a cross between Johnny Thunders & Kenny Everett, was getting some nasty homophobic crap from the sort of lads Morrissey attracts nowadays. Karl gave better than he got, camping up massively. Can’t remember what he said, you don’t really hear much on stage. We thought **** this & badly played Chuck Berry songs, just to do our contracted 40 minutes & get paid our £500.
Stuffies had broken down on M6. So gig was over. we broke down our kit & loaded the van. These lads came round the back to have it out. I thought oh ****ing hell, here we go, but just wanted to get my Les Paul safely tucked away.
We had this manager, Eddie. Birmingham wide boy, pals with Albert Collins who managed Sabbath & Steve Gibbons. Eddie had us & Ocean Colour Scene at the time & something with Alison Moyet.
Anyway he goes, ‘Stand still Babs, don’t do anything daft, say nowt ”.. Goes to his Merc & comes back with a gun. Like the one Harriet Mackpeace occasionally waved around. I didn’t see one of these lads actually piss himself, but drummer Marky swore blind he did. we came out as pretty as we went in. Good band, that. 3,years later we would have been swept up in Brit pop & probably would have done well..

True story. Do I win a prize?

 

Love that..