Made me laugh

What happened to his twig and giggle berries.

 

Had to use a wheelbarrow for a month until the swelling went down.!

 

Apparently if you had a trade card, you’d get another 10% off.

 

Matt Wancock says we have to act as if we have the virus!
**** me Barnard Castle is going to be busy

 

and I need my eyes testing

 

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do ........ I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

 

I just bought an album 'Sounds that wasps make'. I listened to it for a while and it sounded nothing like it was supposed to. I then realised I was listening to the bee side

 

The wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl.

I told her I didn't even know he liked cricket.

 

Next door’s dog left a huge turd on my grass.
Wife said get the shovel and throw it over the fence.
No idea what the neighbour will do with my shovel. And I still have that huge turd on my grass.

 

https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2020/06/18/dogs-wearing-bread-masks-put-a-smile-on-your-face/

 

I walked into a pet shop and asked the assistant if I could buy a wasp.
She looked at me perplexed. 'We don't sell wasps in here sir.'
'Yes you do' I said 'I've just seen one in the window'

 

Husband:


Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.

Alexa :
Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.

The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status.

I have scheduled her payment from your credit card 2 hours from now.

I have checked your wife's GPS and she is shopping in a suburban mall. According to her buying checklist stored on my disk, she will take at least 2 more hours, plus according to Google maps traffic analysis, more than 1 hour to reach home.

Enjoy your sex. And yes, your condom is in the pull out drawer of the living room and the key to that drawer is in your wallet.

This is the last condom, so I have added condoms to your Amazon cart....

This is called true Artificial Intelligence...


MEANWHILE......

Wife:

Alexa, have you set it up?

Alexa:

Sure thing, he thinks you are going to take three hours. If you take an Uber home, you will be there in 45 minutes. I'm recording the whole thing with four cameras, you just need to walk in, we have the ******* cold.

I've got your divorce papers printed and ready, and your attorney briefed, case documents are drafted and will be completed tomorrow, $1 M. damages plus $10,000 per month alimony.

All set. Your Uber is waiting outside.

Now, this is Artificial Counter Intelligence...

After all, Alexa is a female

 

Mrs. Tonjy said this morning “Words can’t describe how handsome you are,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
numbers can though,,,,,2 out of 10!”
Cruel

 

I was in the supermarket the other day, when someone threw a block of Cheddar at me.

Outraged, I yelled back, 'that's not very mature is it?'

 

What does a cheese say when it looks at itself in the mirror?
Haloumi!

 

Ask “Alexa what is 100 100 100 in Welsh”
do it alone first or if easily offended not at all.
Genuine.

 

I’ve no Alexa. So please tell

I just googled it and I’m shocked. Really disappointed in you mr Hookey.

 

Cu next Tuesday three times.