Made me laugh

Orb? Very erudite

 

Got Two lads.
One calls her MAM
Other, Mum. (Disowned him)

 

Chuffin purrim reight

 

My two call their mother mum , but they've both been to university.

 

Only one int Village was next door used the M word, sent him to private School, stuck up sods, mi Mam dint like em

 

Got a new spider man outfit in our away colours

 

Jockey is 200yrds in front entering the last furlong, gets hit by a bottle of wine, then gets hit by a packet of Jacobs wafers, then gets hit by a packet of chocolates & Belgian pate. A lump of cheese hits him.
He loses by afe a length, the owner is livid. " What the fck happened" Jockey replied "I was hampered"

 

.

 

Surely Mater....unless it was a Poly, turned University?

 

I got an vinyl album of wasp sounds.

Played it, didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Then I realised I was playing the bee side.

 

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

 

What does "gotten" mean?

 

Have you ever got

 

I think I once got sunburnt and frostbitten on the same day lol. Flew back from Tenerife once on a Monday, and drove straight to Oakwell for a Monday night match. 25 degrees C in Tenerife, -2 degrees C at Oakwell lol

 

New Irish Vaccine announced today. It’s the Sinn Fein vaccine.
You need two shots. One in each knee.