What did the pirate say when he turned 80. ? "Aye matey" A Roman centurion went to the bar stuck 2 fingers up at the barman and said "5 pints please".
Once upon a time an angel came down to earth and visited a woman. The angel told the woman that if she wanted to get into heaven she must give up smoking, drinking and sex. The woman promised to try her best. A week later the angel came back to see how she was getting on. “Not bad.” said the woman, “I’ve managed to give up smoking and drinking, and I was avoiding sex, but yesterday when I bent over in my short skirt to get some peas out of the freezer my husband came up behind me and gave me one there and then.” “Ooh, they don’t like that in heaven.” said the angel. “No.“ the woman replied, “ They’re not that happy about it in Lidl either.
This woman went up to heaven & whilst waiting to get in she noticed a wall with clocks on, what's those she asked, these are lie clocks. Every time someone tells a lie the second hand moves one second, see the Mother Teresa clock, that has never moved the Abraham Lincoln clock has moved a couple of times, what about the Bozo Johnson clock? yeah we're using that one as a fan.
. A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"
They have been in the press this week... https://twitter.com/noncefinance Before picking a company name they didn't check up on it. They have took it well though with a feed of amusing tweets.