Made me laugh

Heres a bit of the roast of Bruce Willis (from 6+ years ago!), by the roast master Jeff Ross.
ps - Warning, this does contain swearing!!.

 

This came up on my FB memories from 3 years ago.

 

2 rotherham lads go to Amsterdam on holiday. They go to a brothel and ask if they have a fat ginger bird with no teeth, a heroin habit and a ***** like a vandalised bus seat. The Madam says, "You boys are kinky." They reply, "Not really, we're just looking for our Mum!"lol

 

Heres a bit of the roast of David Hasselhoff (from about 12+ years ago!), by the roast master Jeff Ross.
ps - Warning, this does contain swearing!!.

 

Heres a bit of the roast of David Hasselhoff (from about 12+ years ago!), by the late great Greg Giraldo.
ps - Warning, this does contain swearing!!.

 

Breaking News: In Barnsley town centre this evening, an individual, later discovered to be a local school teacher, was arrested while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe she is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. She is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

 

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
The dead ******* had a twin.

 

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey ******* put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

 

My wife said to me "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis"
I replied "that's 15 love"

 

I saw James Martin the chef, a "professional" Yorkshire man on the television, waxing lyrical about his home country whilst he hadn't actually been back for ages. He reminded me of the analogy between Yorkshiremen and haemorrhoids; When they come down south and go back up they are tolerable but fine in the end, but when they come down and stay down, they are incredibly irritating and a right pain in the arse.

 

Heres Angus doing what he used to do best, before the Bbc caught him with his pants down and sacked him lol.
And what hes saying here is while Saville was still alive and the can of worms hadn't been opened on him yet!.

 

My.next door neighbour has had a penis extension.

Now the back of his house looks really stupid.

 

A bloke who worked in the chocolate industry gave up his job to become a magician.

He's told his friends that he still has a few twix up his sleeve.

 

Or a magician?

 

Another Gary Delaney one liner ehh lol.

 

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

 

He was a magazine, but he got the bullet