Futile Instructions

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Stahlrost, Apr 11, 2023.

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  1. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    Based on decades of experience, these are some of the most futile instructions I've read over the years. Please feel free to add more: -

    Peel here

    Click "Start" and follow the instructions on the screen

    Keyboard not found, press F1 to continue

    Squeeze cap and twist to open

    100% complete, please wait...

    Tear here to open

    Right turners give way to oncomi....BOOM !
     
    Stahlrost, Apr 11, 2023
    #1
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  2. Bossman

    Bossman Well-Known Member

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    Me ringing curry’s
    Hi I can’t seem to open the washing machine door

    Salesman…it needs to have power to it, wait 10 seconds for light to go green..it does explain all in the instructions though

    me…the instructions are inside the drum

    salesman…oh
     
    Bossman, Apr 11, 2023
    #2
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  3. Tyk

    Tyketical Masterstroke Well-Known Member

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    When the waiter in the curry house puts your plate down and says 'careful, don't touch it, it's hot'
     
    Tyketical Masterstroke, Apr 11, 2023
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  4. Archey

    Archey Well-Known Member

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    Slightly different, but I had a strange conversation with someone at our head office last week when trying to fix a computer at work. You activate it with a fob, but none of the fobs were working.

    "I can see from our end it's on"

    "yes it's on, but the fobs aren't activating it"

    "I can see from our end that they should be able to"

    "that's fine, but I can assure you they're not"

    "are you sure? When did you last try it?"

    "I'm literally doing it now"

    "but it says its fine at our end"

    "I understand that, but I can assure you, it's not working!!!"
     
    Archey, Apr 11, 2023
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  5. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    Mate of mine returning to Manchester airport where his car is parked. Mate to attendant "How do I get my keys?".

    "Scan the barcode on the terminal and you'll see the box number where your keys are.".

    "What barcode?"

    "It's on the parking booking confirmation.".

    "That's in the car.".
     
    Stahlrost, Apr 11, 2023
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  6. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    That's especially true of the cast iron sizzling dishes where there's smoke rising from them and fat spitting in all directions.
     
    Stahlrost, Apr 11, 2023
    #6
  7. Tykeored

    Tykeored Well-Known Member

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    But you can’t resist touching it anyway :)
     
    Tykeored, Apr 11, 2023
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  8. fir

    fired Administrator Staff Member Admin

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    This
    [​IMG]
     
    fired, Apr 11, 2023
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  9. scarf

    scarf Well-Known Member

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    When you'd ordered a korma?
     
    scarf, Apr 11, 2023
    #9
  10. JamDrop

    JamDrop Well-Known Member

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    This email I just received from Specsavers:

    ‘Hi JamDrop,

    Thanks for getting your eyes checked with us. Now you’ve got your prescription, why not put our range of glasses to the test? Call our store…’

    etc. etc.

    Why not? Probably because you’ve literally just told me I don’t need them.
     
    JamDrop, Apr 11, 2023
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  11. Rev

    Revvie P Well-Known Member

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    "Mrs Robinson! It's not too late to return to Virgin Media. Just visit virginmedia.com to get started!"
    The opening gambit of a letter sent to my aunt's bungalow, a week after we arranged disconnection of services and settlement of final bill, owing to the fact she had passed away.

    So, Virgin Media, if death is no barrier to subscription, when exactly is it "too late" to return?
     
    Revvie P, Apr 11, 2023
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  12. Mr C

    Mr C Well-Known Member

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    Vote Conservative..:eek:
     
    Mr C, Apr 11, 2023
    #12
  13. Lor

    Lordtyke Well-Known Member

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    Shut up....sit darn!!!
     
    Lordtyke, Apr 11, 2023
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  14. Exi

    Exile Well-Known Member

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    Stop lying Boris
     
    Exile, Apr 11, 2023
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  15. John Peachy

    John Peachy Well-Known Member

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    Have you tried turning it off and turning it on again?
     
    John Peachy, Apr 11, 2023
    #15
  16. Hooky feller

    Hooky feller Well-Known Member

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    Feckin nob at the Burton game. (Mid to late twenties) Stood up on his own. Front row. Berating anyone behind him trying to ask him to sit down . His responses were Bizzare.
    Him "I want to stand up"
    Other "well go to the back with the others"
    Him " No I want to stand up here and I've paid more to stand"
    Other " why didnt you buy a standing ticket and go behind the goals'
    Him "I didn't want to"
    OtherS" sit darn yer feckin moron"
    Him " yer all boring"
    Others " Fekk off you stupid feckin idiot"
    He took the hint and moved to the back waving his arms like a spoilt brat where even some of those standing remonstrated him.


    "
     
    Hooky feller, Apr 11, 2023
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  17. Did

    Didcot Red Well-Known Member

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    One I remember from Infants School:

    "Hands on head, fingers on lips"

    ?????
     
    Didcot Red, Apr 11, 2023
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  18. kestyke

    kestyke Well-Known Member

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    "Only use in case of fire" sign on our fire extinguisher at work.
     
    kestyke, Apr 11, 2023
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  19. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    In 1981 I did the Pennine Way, south to north, for my honeymoon. Just after crossing the M62 bridge at Windy Hill, the path floundered through a semi-liquid peat bog with a consistency like black porridge, with pools of oxtail soup on top. In the middle of the morass was a battered wooden sign with the words "It is forbidden to throw stones at this notice". Quite apart from the obviously futility of the message, there weren't any stones anywhere. It's bugged me ever since.
     
    Stahlrost, Apr 11, 2023
    #19
  20. SuperTyke

    SuperTyke Well-Known Member

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    Draw a white circle on the floor 12 yards out from goal at Oakwell.
     
    SuperTyke, Apr 11, 2023
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