Made me laugh

Geordie goes with a prostitute from Wigan.
Drops his pants gets his willy out & the lass says "By thats a gud un!"
He says "Whats a gud un?"
She replys "It means a big one!"
She drops her knickers & he says "By thats a canny un!"
she says "Whats a canny un?"
He replys "A ******* big valley that cowboys ride through!!"

 

A young girl unexpectedly walks in on her parents having sex, Mum on top. After surveying the scene for a moment or two, she asks what they are doing.
"I was just letting some of the air out of Dad because he's too fat," said Mum.
The girl replies, "What's the point? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again tomorrow like she usually does."

 

Can't believe it! Fired on my first day as a bus driver. A gorgeous big busted lady got on and asked me if I was gonna Oldham? So I obliged !!! ...............................................................Good job she wasn't going to prestatyn

 

The above reminded me of a true story that took place Many many years ago whilst I was working on the tracky....I was on the Holmfirth run and pulled up at scissett church where we had to wait time....sat on the bench waiting for the bus was a young woman around my age 23/24 at the time ...wearing a pair of white jeans and a yellow boob tube mousey colour hair ..very attractive indeed. She was sat at the side of a very large cardboard box,which was tall and bulky..now being a hot blooded male and might I add, not backward at coming forward, nor easily embarrassed or so I thought, I smiled and gestured for her to stay seated, as I had 10 minutes to wait and wanted to have a cuppa...whilst pouring myself a cuppa from my flask, I couldn't quite stop glancing in her direction and thinking to myself ...if only that boob tube was to drop ...go on make my day....what wouldn't I give....if only there was a God....Anyway my 10 minute break soon passed and I opened the doors of my single deck bus. The 3 passengers before her got on and go and sit down ...the young woman then picks up the box with ease but due to its size struggles with her grip, climbing the steps I'm still thinking...please if only, if only there's a God.....Anyway at the top of the steps she leans the box partially against the cab door and holds it partially with the right side of her body and then proceeds to reach down to put her fare on the cab door tray and still I'm having these perverse thoughts...suddenly the box drop slightly and on doing so, slowly but surely exposed her left breast, un be known to the young woman ...her breast level with my face...
Time seemed frozen, I felt my face start burning up getting redder and redder...the more I tried to say anything the more I faltered and stuttered...
She looked at me very strangley and was puzzled at what had now become a mixture of me being dumb struck and using poor hand gestures trying to explain her left boob was on display..suddenly the penny dropped and she went a brighter shade of red than me...I Daren't move I Daren't move she cried....I tried saying hang on hang on but it was just a garbled reply ....I gestured with my hands to stop and to calm down....I hastily worked out that with the position of the box in relationship to the cab door, that I couldnt hold the box or open the cab door ....standing up was pointless too....
What am I going to do what am I going to do she said in a panic....
By this time I'd gathered a bit of composure and with a bit more hand gesturing that mimed lifting up her boob tube and pulling it up over her breast was the only option left...a sigh of relief came in her voice and she said ooh would you please ...if you don't mind ...id be very grateful....nnnnnn not at all I stuttered
Now baring in mind the way she was holding the box she had to edge more to her left, and lean down a little more ...on doing at the same time I took hold of the boob tube, with the tip of my fore finger and thumb and I lifted her boob tube up to pull it over her breast ..only for right breast to come out too ...which we both went wide eyed with us both grimacing slightly....we looked at each other, realising the only way they were going back in were to be man handled ....
She just looked at me ...grimaced some more and uttered ....would you mind......
No not at all I stuttered whilst shaking my head from side to side but in agreement and burning up somemore
I then respectively replaced them back from where they become apologising if my hands were cold ..like a fool that I'd become...
When she got off in Holmfirth she said ...I don't know who was more embarrassed you or me but thank you for being a gentleman....I thought you handled it well before nervously laughing and saying whoops that's maybe the wrong term of phrase ...luckily she was met off the bus by a bloke, who took the box off her.
I think with all the wishful thinking I was doing prior to her getting on it was me, who was embarrassed , in fact
i was still bright red when I got back to Barnsley some 2/3 hrs later ....

 

I’ve just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table.
I know it’s authentic because there’s a bit of veneer missing.

 

What took you so long did you have to disappear behind a tree for a wee. or summat.

 

On more than one occasion lol..usually the off side front wheel copped it lol
Time wise it was the nature of the service ...service ran via Wakefield...bsly to Wakefield to Holmfirth return ..plus waiting time at scissett church both ways ...we only did 2 trips on that particular 8hr duty at the time...was OK in the summer but a right pain during Autumn and winter...especially if the cab heater and the demisters weren't working...

 

Hope that was a wee mate and not summat else.

 

For me just a wee lol ...don't know about the others though ....lol
mind you, thinking about it... I often got called a proper banker for some reason,
( think thats what they shouted ) especially when folk were running for the last bus and missed it
To be honest, i could never understand why they thought I worked for Lloyd's, Barclays or the Midland, when I clearly had my Tracky uniform on, which looked nothing like the clothing worn by bank staff at the time is beyond me ...lol then again they did wear a darker blue at the Halifax but that was a building society, so you'd expect them to shout brickie or builder wouldn't you lol

 

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

 

Has anyone got a phone number for the Ghostbusters? I think I may have a poltergeist
I came in from work early and I heard my wife screaming, "Oh my God! Oh my God!"
I ran upstairs and she was covered head to foot in ectoplasm and the wardrobe doors wouldn't stop trembling!!

 

My wife was abducted by a gang of black kidnappers who were demanding ten grand for her return. ..On the phone they said, "If you don't pay by nine tomorrow morning, Winston with the twelve inch **** will help himself to your wife."
I replied, "Put her on so I know you have her."
My wife came on, "mark pay the ********, I beg you,.... but leave it till half past nine"

 

Old gimmer goes to the chemist.
Ez that got any on them viagra tablits?
Yes we have sir, how many would you like?
Oh, onni abart 4, is that alreight?
Certainly, no problem.
But cut 'em into 4 bits like.
Well they won't do you much good doing that sir, you'll not get a full erection by reducing the dose.
No lad, ah dunt want one o' them. Ah just want it to stick art a bit so as i dunt piss on mi shoes.

 

The Luton boardroom programme notes the other day when they played Blackpool....Khaled has to up his game for the Ipswich game programme notes

 

I might start calling our lass Leeds United. She kicks off every 15 minutes aswell

 

Just watching the highlights at the Crucible and I can't believe a protestor climbed on top of a snooker table.

That takes a lot of balls⚪️⚫️

 

A catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, "I'm pregnant"

He asks, "How did this happen my child?"

She says, "I think it must be the second coming!

The priest, shocked by this reply asks, "What makes you think it is the second coming?"

She replies, "Because I swallowed the first!"

 

I called into the photographers today to pick up some photos I'd taken of my wife naked.
"Would you like the negatives?" Asked the guy as he handed me the package.
"Yes please!" I replied.
He said, "Your wife's got saggy Tits and a fat Arse."

 

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