Made me laugh

Tip of the day for bus / coach drivers..

My mates a bus driver, if he's having a bad day whilst driving, he looks in the mirror at all his passengers and mutters to himself "your all lovely people arnt you?" and then he taps the brakes twice so they all nod

 

Chuffing hate drinking int Wath Weatherspoons, get two pints in, tha bladder gus inta 2nd gear, then the real challenge starts, getting ta chuffing toilets....... Up a couple’a steps, darn the M62, open a cupboard door, quick jog through Narnia, turn left, through the Labyrinth wi David Bowie, turn left again, have a quick wand battle wi Lord Voldemort int grass maze, darn a couple’a steps, quick rap battle wi Eminem ont 8 Mile road in Detroit, up a couple’a more steps, darn a slide, turn left for the third time, quick pit stop ta watch big Maureen feyting a bouncer, up the A1 for fotty mile, get ta toilet, gu’ta open thi pants and thas pissed thi sen, back ta bar, repeat all above

 

Old lady in a lift at the Trafford Centre when two footballers wives enter, the door closes and one wife raises her wrist to the other wife and says, ''Chanel No 5 £80 Selfridges.'' The other wife does the same and says, ''Gucci £90 House of Frazer.'' The old lady lifts one leg and farts and says, ''Sprouts 99p Morrisons!''

 

That’s basically the joke from only fools and horses rehashed from when Mike first started running the nags head and was getting the place decorated, episode where the trotters were decorating at Denzil’s and thought they’d killed the canary

 

I'm off to a Coronation street party this weekend.

I think I'll go as Jack Duckworth!!..

 

Chuffing hate drinking int Wath Weatherspoons, get two pints in, tha bladder gus inta 2nd gear, then the real challenge starts, getting ta chuffing toilets....... Up a couple’a steps, darn the M62, open a cupboard door, quick jog through Narnia, turn left, through the Labyrinth wi David Bowie, turn left again, have a quick wand battle wi Lord Voldemort int grass maze, darn a couple’a steps, quick rap battle wi Eminem ont 8 Mile road in Detroit, up a couple’a more steps, darn a slide, turn left for the third time, quick pit stop ta watch big Maureen feyting a bouncer, up the A1 for fotty mile, get ta toilet, gu’ta open thi pants and thas pissed thi sen, back ta bar, repeat all above

 

The Morning After

 

I can see what Charlie sees in her now...

 

How do you start a bear race? 'Ready teddy go!'
How do you start a milk pudding race? Sago

 

I put a porn dvd in last night and all I could see was a fat bloke with his **** out!!!!..
Then I realised I hadn’t switched on the tv!!!!..

 

Betty had just got married, and being a traditional Barnsley Yorkshire lass, she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, she stayed at her mother's house, and was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her:
"Don't worry Betty, Alf’s a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care
of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making Yorkshire pudding."
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Alf took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Betty ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mother”, Alf's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Betty,” says the mother, "All good men have hairy
chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Alf took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Betty ran downstairs to her mother, "Mother, Alf took off
his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Alf's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Alf took off his socks and
on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Betty saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mother, Alf's got a foot and a half!"
Her Mother said, "Stay here and beat the Yorkshire pudding mix"

 

A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".

The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.

The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.

She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.

"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”

The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner.”

 

She's going to have severe back problems in middle age....

From mowing the grass obvs.