Made me laugh

Here’s one from DermotO’Leary:

I’ve just been to the chemist to get some anti-gloating cream.

I can’t wait to rub it in.

 

My mate Dave bought his wife a fur coat made from 3,000 hamster skins.
He took her to Blackpool last week....took him two days to get her off the big wheel

 

Tells the state of the BBS and how the fans are feeling when the Made Me Laugh thread is languishing on page 4…

Made love to the wife for an hour and three minutes at the weekend!

 

12 years ago today, my mate Neil came running out shouting “ITS A BOY” with tears running down his face,
We never been back to Thailand since.

 

Roy
I was on a train from Leeds last week and a Thai bird was sat opposite me with no pants on, obviously touting for business
Everything on show

All I could think about was...please don't get an errection

then she did

 

Never again will I be confused as to which door is which.

 

Sue Barker and Cliff Richard dated in 1981, that was the year she was unseeded!
S

 

I wonder if anybody knows what Sue had in common with Princess Grace of Monaco.

 

Karl Marx was famous but not many people know that he had a sister called Onya who was even more famous.
She's still mentioned all over the world at every athletics meeting

 

I’ve just seen a survey that said six out of seven dwarfs are not happy

 

Makes you proud to be British.

Yesterday had a 7 mile tailback on the M62. It resulted in people queuing in a queue, whilst stuck in a queue.

 

Was it in or was it out?

 

I got a strange email explaining how to read maps backwards
It turned out to be spam

 

I thought it was only supposed to be 45 mins?

 

I’ve just lost my job at the mining museum near Wakefield. Yes, I’ve been shafted..

 

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco`s in wath buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.........................................