RECREATE <font size="+0">the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.</font></p> HOMELESS <font size="+0">people. Lighten your load by not buying a dog.</font></p> MOTORISTS. <font size="+0">Deflate all your tyres before putting 20p in the forecourt air-line machine. That way you'll get your money's worth</font></p> PRETEND <font size="+0">to be a tiny person by pouring all the crisps from a multi-pack bag into the big bag they came in, and eating them out of that.</font></p> MUMS. <font size="+0">Out of Christmas wrapping paper? Simply convert birthday wrapping paper by adding "Jesus" after "Happy Birthday."</font></p> HUSBANDS. <font size="+0">Tired of sleeping with the same wife? Simply lie on top of her until she goes numb, and Hey Presto! She'll feel like someone else's wife.</font></p> GENTLEMEN. <font size="+0">Next time you are making love with a lady, cross your eyes and Hey Presto! That saucy threesome with identical twins that you've always dreamed of.</font></p> INTERNET <font size="+0">porn fans. Avoid tedious interruptions to wipe the screen by first covering it with several layers of cling film which can be torn off like F1 drivers do with their visors</font></p> FATTIES. <font size="+0">Avoid your torso being surreptitiously filmed and used in a BBC news report about Britain's obesity problem by always wearing a T-shirt with 'All Newsreaders are cnuts' written on it.</font></p> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" width="100%" border="0"><tbody><tr><td align="left"><font size="+0">DOG OWNERS.</font> <font size="+0">Never lose your TV remote control again. Simply sellotape it to the back of your dog, and hey presto! Whistle, and the device is at your beck and call! This can also apply to hot drinks, after intense training.</font></td></tr></tbody></table></p> PARENTS. <font size="+0">Half a cocktail stick with a blob of nail varnish on the end makes an ideal "safety match" that your children can play with without the risk of setting fire to anything.</font></p> HOUSEWIVES. <font size="+0">Make the normally mundane task of switching the central heating on a little more exciting by singing 'The heating's on' to the tune of 80s hit The Heat is On by Glen Frey as you are doing it.</font></p> OLD PEOPLE. <font size="+0">Save having to get a flu jab each year by not queuing outside the Post Office every Tuesday morning in the pouring rain an hour before it opens. They won't run out of money. It's not like the queue outside the butcher's during the war.</font></p> MOURNERS. <font size="+0">Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone</font></p> <font size="+0" /></p>
Theres over 300 On the viz website. That was just a selection of the 1st 50.</p> Some of them are comedy genius. I don't know if readers do send them in or they are made up by the writers, whichever it is they're definitely funny.</p> My personal favourite is.......</p> ******* You have heard about resting on your arm to make it go numb so it feels like somebody else is wanking you off? Well rest on your knobuntil that goes numb and then it feels like your wanking somebody else off.</p>
Dont lose anythng in the house again! smply tie a single piece of string to everything you own and the next time you cant find something hey presto! move along the string until you find the item in question.
My all time favourite Was the one about keys - went something like Make sure you never lose your House Keys by putting your name and Address on the keyring so anyone finding them can return them for you- extra tip - it is helpful to put the times you are usually out on there as well to save them a wasted journey
mine.... "Statistically, 95% of car accidents happen within 3 miles of your home. Therefore, simply rent a garage three miles away from where you live, park there and cycle the rest of the way. You can then drive as recklessly as you wish with little or no chance of having an accident"
I always liked Make money fast by hiring one of those 0901 £1.50 a go lines, get one of those "How's my driving stickers", then drive round town like a complete lovely person.