Made me laugh

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride".

Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky. Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years. Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs.

When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."

 

I went out with a woman who's a dentist last night.
She said she had a great time and would like to see me again in about six months.

 

Guess who I saw with a pint in his hand at 6:30 this morning??....


- Milkman!!!

 

Horse walked into a bar and ordered a pint of lager. The bar tender served him and charged him a tenner. To make small talk the bartender said we don,t get many horses in here. The horse replied I’m not surprised at these prices

 

I thought I saw an optician on an Alaskan island, but it timed out to be an optical Aleutian.

 

Which Spice Girl can hold the most petrol?

Geri can.

 

A Woman comes home from the doctors smiling “The doctor has just told me I have the figure of a 20 year old” she says to her husband. The husband laughs “what did he say about your 50 year old arse?” The woman replies “we didn’t talk about you...”

 

Policeman calls in.."A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped"....Have you arrested her?
"Not yet, the floor's still wet"

 

My wife said I must put clean socks on everyday by Saturday I couldn't get my shoes on.

 

My Uncle Ken spent his life savings on a sex change...

And now, he hasn't got a sausage!!

 

Took my goldfish to the chip shop and asked 'do you sell fish cakes?'
'Yes' they replied.
Great because it's his birthday.

 

******* hell. Laughing.

 

I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.

 

My arse was sore after a curry.
The wife said "ringsting"
I said 'what the **** will he know about it?"

 

I made our lasses dreams come true by marrying her in a castle. Even the registrar enjoyed bouncing around.

 

Look at me, still having great sex at 55. If the wife finds out, I'm dead. We live at 57.

 

Thought it was a wind up wen they told me trever bayliss had died

 

I've just seen an elderly Muslim woman wearing a sheepskin burkha because of the cold - She looked like mutton dressed Islam

 

Lovely Indian couple have run our local off licence for years. Remember the first time I went in. Asked for 4 cans of Guinness. The lady said 'You want short back and sides?" I said "Sorry, no, 4 cans of Guinness". She said "You want the crew cut?". Chuckling I said "No, 4 cans of Guinness". She said "Ah, you want loose perm." I was going to walk out empty handed, when her husband appeared and apologetically said "Sir, you must forgive my wife, unfortunately she can only speak Hairdo."

 

I was walking around Moscow the other day and I was followed by a suspicious wasp. Turned out it was a cagey bee !