Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

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  1. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    Doctor doctor , I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards !!!!

    Sit down over there and I will Deal with you later.....
     
    Connor, Mar 15, 2018
    #161
  2. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    Got an email from a "bored housewife, 33, looking for some action"
    So I sent her my ironing - that should keep her busy
     
    Connor, Mar 20, 2018
    #162
  3. TonyTyke

    TonyTyke Well-Known Member

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    Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of cola?

    He was lucky it was a soft drink.
     
    TonyTyke, Mar 20, 2018
    #163
  4. TonyTyke

    TonyTyke Well-Known Member

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    What begins with T, ends with T, and has T in it?





    A teapot.
     
    TonyTyke, Mar 20, 2018
    #164
  5. Mark Stephenson

    Mark Stephenson Well-Known Member

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    Q - Who killed John Wayne.
    A - Burt Lung cancer
     
    Mark Stephenson, Mar 20, 2018
    #165
  6. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    I met a gymnast in a bar in Austria last week. I asked if she could teach me to do the splits.

    "How flexible are you?" she asked.

    "I can't do Tuesdays or Thursdays".
     
    Stahlrost, Mar 20, 2018
    #166
  7. Mark Stephenson

    Mark Stephenson Well-Known Member

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    Paddy and Murphy on a building site and Paddy gets his ear sliced off - Murphy helps Paddy look for the ear and picks it up off the floor and gives it to Paddy - Paddy says - that's not my ear, mine had a pencil behind it.
     
    Mark Stephenson, Mar 20, 2018
    #167
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  8. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    A guy yesterday tried to sell me a coffin.

    FFS I said. That's the last thing I need.
     
    arabian_ian, Mar 20, 2018
    #168
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  9. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    I called in at the RSPCA office in Sheffield this morning. It's bloody tiny - there's hardly room to swing a cat in there.
     
    Stahlrost, Mar 20, 2018
    #169
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  10. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    My mate keeps saying things like, "cheer up buddy, things could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

    I know he means well.
     
    Connor, Mar 20, 2018
    #170
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  11. Mark Stephenson

    Mark Stephenson Well-Known Member

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    Did you hear about the Irish wine maker - broke both his ankles making coconut wine
     
    Mark Stephenson, Mar 20, 2018
    #171
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  12. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    I called the Ramblers Association this aft but the bloke just went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on........
     
    Stahlrost, Mar 20, 2018
    #172
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  13. Mark Stephenson

    Mark Stephenson Well-Known Member

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    justice has been served - some idiot called Carl going round breaking into people's houses near me for months, but the police couldn't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in them and turning them on! - Really weird if you ask me.... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley because of a drug overdose - its never nice hearing of someone's death, but on the bright side, - washing machines live longer with Carl gone.
     
    Mark Stephenson, Mar 20, 2018
    #173
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  14. TonyTyke

    TonyTyke Well-Known Member

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    Brilliant.
     
    TonyTyke, Mar 20, 2018
    #174
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  15. Bossman

    Bossman Well-Known Member

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    Pink Panthers to do list:

    To do
    To do
    To do, to do, to do
    To do, to doooo
     
    Bossman, Mar 20, 2018
    #175
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  16. WorsbroughTyke44

    WorsbroughTyke44 Active Member

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    Co-workers are like xmas lights. They all hang together but Half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.
     
    WorsbroughTyke44, Mar 20, 2018
    #176
  17. Lone Striker

    Lone Striker Well-Known Member

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    Velcro?

    What a rip off.
     
    Lone Striker, Mar 20, 2018
    #177
  18. Bossman

    Bossman Well-Known Member

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    Maths made simple.

    If you have £20 and your wife has £5.

    She has £25.
     
    Bossman, Mar 20, 2018
    #178
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  19. Bossman

    Bossman Well-Known Member

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    Had a job interview today.

    Guy says "describe your biggest weakness?"

    i said "i would say my honesty"

    guy says "i dont think honesty is a weakness"

    i replied "i dont give a f**k what you think ya fat dick"
     
    Bossman, Mar 21, 2018
    #179
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  20. Mark Stephenson

    Mark Stephenson Well-Known Member

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    Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut
     
    Mark Stephenson, Mar 21, 2018
    #180
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