Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

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  1. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    I've just started to read a horror story in Braille. Something horrible is about to happen.

    I can feel it.
     
    arabian_ian, Mar 26, 2018
    #201
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  2. Farnham_Red

    Farnham_Red Administrator Staff Member Admin

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    Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the **** out of the dog.
     
    Farnham_Red, Mar 26, 2018
    #202
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  3. Mark Stephenson

    Mark Stephenson Well-Known Member

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    went to a lunatic asylum and there is a guy there pretending to drive a Ferrari - sitting on a chair he was, revving the engine, going through the gears - I said to him "you've got no car" - his mate sitting next to him says "don't tell him that - I get 10 quid a week for cleaning it"
     
    Mark Stephenson, Mar 26, 2018
    #203
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  4. Archey

    Archey Well-Known Member

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    I’m always getting run over by the same bike, same day every month, same place, month after month...

    It's a seriously vicious cycle.
     
    Archey, Mar 26, 2018
    #204
  5. Archey

    Archey Well-Known Member

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    Some ******* hit me in the street yesterday and ran off with my limbo stick.

    I mean really, how low can you go?
     
    Archey, Mar 26, 2018
    #205
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  6. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    At the Parship online dating service in Germany, someone falls in love every 11 minutes. He's getting pretty fed up of it.
     
    Stahlrost, Mar 26, 2018
    #206
  7. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    I recently got crushed by a pile of books. I've only got my shelf to blame.
     
    Connor, Mar 27, 2018
    #207
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  8. Met

    Metatarsal Well-Known Member

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    I'd gone with my wife to her mother's earlier today when a neighbour knocked on the door and said "There's six men outside, kicking the 5h!t out of your mother in law. Aren't you going to help?". I said "No, six should be enough".....
     
    Metatarsal, Mar 27, 2018
    #208
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  9. Archey

    Archey Well-Known Member

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    How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?


    The blind start reading your face.
     
    Archey, Mar 27, 2018
    #209
  10. Archey

    Archey Well-Known Member

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    During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.



    He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever hired.
     
    Archey, Mar 27, 2018
    #210
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  11. Jul

    Julian Broddle's Perm Well-Known Member

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    Wandering round the timber section, at B&Q, earlier when some fella in an orange pinnie asked me if I wanted decking.
    So I got first punch in and sparked him clean out!!!
     
    Julian Broddle's Perm, Mar 27, 2018
    #211
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  12. Met

    Metatarsal Well-Known Member

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    During the latter part of tonight's England match, did you see the players trying Karate and Taekwondo moves against each other? Apparently the referee had indicated two minutes of ninjary time....
     
    Metatarsal, Mar 27, 2018
    #212
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  13. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side.

    So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no reason .
     
    Connor, Mar 28, 2018
    #213
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  14. She

    Sheriff Well-Known Member

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    Did you know that Dicken's "A Tale of Two Cities" was first serialised in two local newspapers?

    It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
     
    Sheriff, Mar 28, 2018
    #214
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  15. Met

    Metatarsal Well-Known Member

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    Just changed my energy supplier from British Gas to The Chuckle Brother's new company.
    To meter you........
     
    Metatarsal, Mar 28, 2018
    #215
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  16. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    So I went to the video shop and said " Can I rent Batman Forever? The assistant said "No ....you have to bring it back tomorrow."
     
    Connor, Mar 28, 2018
    #216
  17. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    6D3333EF-C750-4DA2-A5D8-A98A5DF33F5B.jpeg
     
    Connor, Mar 29, 2018
    #217
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  18. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    My wife wants to break up with me because of my obsession with rugby.

    I said can't we give it one last try ?
     
    Connor, Mar 29, 2018
    #218
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  19. shenk1

    shenk1 Well-Known Member

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    My missus just said "What are your plans for Easter?"

    I said "The same as Jesus!" Disappear Friday then turn up on Monday!
     
    shenk1, Mar 29, 2018
    #219
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  20. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    Just seen on the news that undertakers are to put their prices up due to the cost of living!
     
    Connor, Apr 2, 2018
    #220
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