Made me laugh

We were once a kingdom ruled by kings.

Then a monarchy ruled by monarchs.

Now we are just a country.

 

Adam West was dressed up as batman one time and hit me over the head with a vase.

"T"pau!" He said.

"Shouldn't that be kapow?"I replied.

"No. Because i had China in my hand" he said.

 

Confirmation that fruit is good for constipation.

I just received my phone bill from Orange.......almost **** myself.

 

Snow White woke up one morning feeling grumpy.




The other 6 were not impressed.

 

I was in Tesco earlier and a guy was arrested for pouring Domestos over the fruit counter.

He was charged with Bleach of the Peach.

 

I'm a bit behind doing my latest assignment for my Maths degree with the Open University, in fact I was stuck on one particular question - up all last night trying to fathom it out - and then it suddenly dawned on me.

 

During my check-up, I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "Sorry, but I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. I was just saying that my thermometer broke."

 

During my check-up the doctor said "Do you masturbate a lot Father Cake?",
I replied "Yes I think it's fantastic",
"You must stop" he said,
"But doctor I absolutely love doing it!"
"Yes but you must stop, I'm trying to examine you"

 

I'll never again make the mistake of mixing up my laxatives with my Viagra. I've spent all night not knowing whether I'm coming or going.....

 

Was reminiscing about the old times earlier.

My dad used to give me a quid and send me down the shops to get his Sunday papers and he’d say “you can keep the change”

Along with his papers I’d come back with a comic, some crisps, chocolate, can of pop and a choc ice from the freezer.

Couldn’t do that now......too many security cameras....☹️

 

I'm seriously considering re-marrying my ex-wife, but I'm sure she'll realise I'm only after my money

 

I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I dont know why

 

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

“Look, it’s not the same hat.”

“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”

“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said:

“OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?”

 

Publishers have produced a new Mr Men book based on Kayode Odejayi. He's known as Mr Sitter.

 

Some holidays are ATOL-protected. And others are not protected ATOL.

 

We've called our new cat Hamlet as we're not sure what breed he is. Tabby, or not Tabby. That is the question.

 

An 88 year old man goes into a brothel. The receptionist asks him if he wants super sex? 'What sort of soup is it?" he says.

 

I’ve joined a new religion where you ring door bells and run away as fast as you can.

It’s called Jehovahs Fitness.

 

Hands trembling
I checked the numbers again
9-15 21-04 20-18.
I was in shock, after all these years I'd finally got a doctors appointment

 

A man went into a supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"

"LLANELLI, sir," the boy replied proudly.

"Why did you leave LLANELLI ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from LLANELLI ."

"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play ?''