Made me laugh

Two soldiers on curfew duty when one of them opens fire on a cyclist killing him instantly . First one say what you do that for it’s ten minutes before curfew ?
2nd one say yeah but I know where he lives and he would never have made it in time

 

I can recall radio dee dar doing the commentary on one of our games.many years ago .. the weather was atrocious. .lashing it down with rain and blowing a gale...the commentator starts off with...... so as the second half kicks of here at a stormy oakwell it's Barnsley playing with the wind.....from left to right...Lol
Another true story ...we were travelling down the M1 with the supporters coach when the coach pulled on to the hard shoulder the driver then got out to use the breakdown phone... as he picked it up one of the lads on the bus shouts out....fooook me he must have some right ears on him to hear that ringing...
A chuffing hour we sat there before some one turned up to change the tyre lol

 

If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everybody in this group.

Not the winnings. I'm just going to let you all know that I won.

 

What's long, brown and sticky........
.













































... A stick!

My favourite joke (sad but true) because it's so simple (as my wife says "like me")

 

I asked a bloke at the station when the next train was coming......?

He said, "Have a look online"....!!!

I said, "That's a bit dangerous isn't it"....?

 

Many years ago when i was in the pub trade , id just opened up when in walked a middle aged woman who then sat at the bar and ordered a Gin and tonic, ....ice and lemon i asked ....yes please she replied..i served her the drink and without further ado she sticks her fingers in her drink swirls them around...lifts up her dress and inserts her fingers between her legs into her pleasure paddock
i was amazed.but puzzled ...she did this no less than 5 times in as many minutes until her glass was empty, before ordering another Gin and Tonic....and then promptly doing the exact same thing.....excuse me i said.....without causing you offence, but i couldnt help noticing your actions ....is every thing alright if so....could you please explain what you are doing that for.... she laughed then blushed a little before explaining that she had just won 30 grand on a scratch card and that was the only 2hat was getting a drink out of her good fortune

 

When i was in the fire service we answered an emergency 999 call ...on arriving at the scene it was clear the house was well a blaze... on entering the property i made my way to the bedroom were reports of a young 25 yearold female was said to be...on entering the bedroom i couldnt help but notice she was naked....
wow your my hero she cried fancy rescuing a naked damsel in distress .... thank you i replied adding ..did you know that youre the 3rd pregnant woman ive rescued today...but im not pregnant she answered....

Your not foookin rescued Yet i sniggered....

 

Whats green and pear shaped, a pear.

What red and eats rocks, a red rock eater.

 

Neighbour won lottery a few years ago
He ran home and shouted upstairs to their lass pack a suitcase I’ve won lottery to which she replied excitedly where we going love and he said I’m going fookin nowhere

 

It was raining Cats 'n Dogs as Tommy walked down the road. Suddenly, a car pulled up alongside him, the driver wound his window down and asked Tommy if he wanted to get in out of the rain, "no thanks" Tommy replied. The man then said, "come on, get in and I'll give you some sweets" "no thanks" said Tommy. "Come on, get in I'll also buy you a burger", "no way" Tommy curtly replied. "I'll also buy you an ice cream and pop if you'd like that" Tommy stopped dead in his tracks, turned to the man in the car and angrily said, "**** off Dad, I'm not going to Elland Road again at any price"

 

2 Nuns in the shower one says where's the soap the says ooooohhhuuuuuhh doesn't it just.

 

Blokes just knocked on our door and said I'm collecting for the local swimming pool can you help....I said yes hang on a minute and then gave him 2 full buckets of water...

3 days ago I was talking to my next door neighbour .. i said ive not seen your Mary or the kids all week ...he replied no you wont...some woman knocked on the door saying she was collecting for the battered wives and deprived childrens home...so I made a donation....
I phoned work up the other day and said I won't be in today I'm sick....how sick are you said the girl from human resources. ..... I'm that sick I replied I'm in bed shagging my grandma is that sick enough lol

 

Just been into Greggs & they are selling Pasties 2 for a pound.
I asked the assistant "how much for one" ?
75p she said.
Ok I said" I will take the other one" !

 

Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.

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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes

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Did you know the international language of hairdressers is Urdu?

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I sent a food parcel to my first wife by courier. Fed Ex

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I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up

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Terrorists have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

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I was in the Bank earlier.

The Woman behind the Counter started singing "Downtown".

I thought to myself, "What a Peculiar Clerk".

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Police in the North of England have lost a city, to date they have no Leeds

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My ancestors were garlic-traders. They came to this country with nothing but the cloves on their backs.

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Our village school has become an academy sponsored by IKEA. Standards may be fine, but assembly takes ages.

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I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra and, half way through, the bloke on the triangle disappeared.

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A Mexican couple were blessed with twins called Amal and Juan the father decided with a heavy heart that two more kids was too much if a strain on their meagre finances and so decided to send one of the boys for adoption, some months later mother said to papa 'I really miss my other boy' to which the father replies
'Dont fret my love, once you've seen Juan you've seen Amal
Boom feckin Boom

 

I was asked, Can you think of anything worse than being scalped?

I replied, Not off the top of my head.

 

Finally justice has been served.
So there has been this thug called Cal going around breaking into people’s houses of ground workers for months, but the police couldn’t catch him. The weirdest thing about it all he was breaking into people’s house’s just to ruin there washing machines by putting bricks into them and turning them on very strange if you ask me. Anyway, I’ve just read he’s been found dead in an alleyway due to a drug overdose. It’s never nice hearing of people’s deaths,but look on the bright side...

Washing machines live longer with Cal gone.

 

I woke up this morning there was tap on my door....
Funny sense of humour that Plumber

 

Prince Harry says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.

Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a ****, he's still going!