Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

Page 18 of 235
  1. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Face Book.
    I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
    Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend.
     
    arabian_ian, Jun 2, 2018
    #341
    Fishplate, Joshken123, Metatarsal and 2 others like this.
  2. Jul

    Julian Broddle's Perm Well-Known Member

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    My globe that I've had since I was a kid has just fallen off the sideboard and smashed on the floor.
    I'm gutted. Totally gutted.
    In fact, I feel like my whole world's fallen apart.
     
    Julian Broddle's Perm, Jun 2, 2018
    #342
    Connor likes this.
  3. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    I walked into a car show room last night I said my wife wants to talk to you about the Ford fiesta in your window he said we don't have any Ford fiesta's in our window I said mate you do now!!!!!!
     
    Connor, Jun 2, 2018
    #343
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  4. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with last nights performance that they have said they will personally refund all the expenses to their fans who travelled to support them.

    All they need to do is send their bank details, sort codes and Mothers maiden names and they will transfer the money straight to them
     
    Connor, Jun 3, 2018
    #344
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  5. Marlon

    Marlon Well-Known Member

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    Well your definitely a live wire :D
     
    Marlon, Jun 3, 2018
    #345
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  6. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    A farmer was showing his trainee how to castrate a bull. He took 2 bricks and smashed them together crunching the bull's balls in between.

    Wow! exclaimed the trainee, doesn't that hurt?

    The farmer replied, Only if you get your thumbs caught in the middle.
     
    arabian_ian, Jun 4, 2018
    #346
  7. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    Paddy and Mick are going home from a night out and realise that they don't have enough money for a taxi so they decide to go to the Bus depot and steal a bus. Mick breaks into the depot as Paddy stood guard. After a while Paddy decided to see what was keeping Mick so he looked through the gate where he saw Mick running from bus to bus looking worried
    "What the hell are you doing?" Hissed Paddy.
    Mick replied, "I can't find a number 6 bus anywhere Paddy."
    Holding his hands to his head in disbelief Paddy barked
    "You idiot Mick, steal a number 8 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the bloody way."
     
    Connor, Jun 8, 2018
    #347
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  8. Met

    Metatarsal Well-Known Member

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    Before I went to University I had a job at Burger King. One day, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber came in and asked for two woppers. I said "You're good looking and your musicals are great................................"
     
    Metatarsal, Jun 9, 2018
    #348
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  9. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    Englishman: "That your dog?"
    Welshman: "Yep."
    Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
    Welshman: "Dog dont talk But."
    Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
    Dog: "Doin' all right."
    Welshman: (Look of shock!)
    Englishman: "Is this Welshman your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
    Dog: "Yep."
    Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
    Welshman: (Look of total disbelief)
    Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
    Welshman: "Horse dont talk but."
    Englishman: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
    Horse: "Cool."
    Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
    Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the welshman)
    Horse: "Yep."
    Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
    Welshman: (Look of total amazement)
    Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
    Welshman: "That sheeps a ******* liar bud!!"
     
    Connor, Jun 9, 2018
    #349
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  10. Farnham_Red

    Farnham_Red Administrator Staff Member Admin

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    So the question is am I a racist if I don’t immediately delete that and Ban connor. Even though I think it’s harmless and mildly amusing
     
    Farnham_Red, Jun 9, 2018
    #350
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  11. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    F22BA11A-C6CC-49A1-993C-041D6026CC52.jpeg
     
    Connor, Jun 10, 2018
    #351
  12. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    How do you poison a girl with a razor blade?
     
    Stahlrost, Jun 10, 2018
    #352
  13. Dun

    Duntpasstome Well-Known Member

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    Check out @Football__Tweet’s Tweet:
     
    Duntpasstome, Jun 10, 2018
    #353
  14. TitusMagee

    TitusMagee Well-Known Member

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    Brings back memories of fantasy football!

    Apparently the guy did it to try and get sent off in protest at his country's treatment of the national team.
     
    TitusMagee, Jun 10, 2018
    #354
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  15. Sup

    SuperTyke Well-Known Member

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    SuperTyke, Jun 10, 2018
    #355
    TitusMagee and Duntpasstome like this.
  16. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    Give her arse a nick
     
    Stahlrost, Jun 10, 2018
    #356
  17. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    Yesterday morning a German shepherd came into my garden and did a rather large **** before walking back home.
    Again this morning he was back and did the same only this time he had his dog with him.
     
    arabian_ian, Jun 15, 2018
    #357
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  18. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
    Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.
    "It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."
    "Well," replies Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."
    "That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew.
    "No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.
    "I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."
    A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
    Kelly responds with:
    "That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?"
    "Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half-uncle."
     
    Connor, Jun 16, 2018
    #358
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  19. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    9A72A43B-00B3-40B1-8C5A-DB3BFA602936.jpeg
     
    Connor, Jun 16, 2018
    #359
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  20. joh

    john coucom Well-Known Member

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    Book of scalp disorders by Dan Druff
    Book of prayers by Neil Down
    Book of haunted houses by Hugo First
    Book of Indian show jumpers by Jim Khana
    Book of India karaoke by Gerupta Singh
    Indian diy tv expert Ahmed ashed
     
    john coucom, Jun 16, 2018
    #360
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