Made me laugh

If you want to really freak out your neighbours , rename your wifi router, " police surveillance camera 3 "

 

Roy Hodgson was mulling over who to select for his first game in the Euro 2012 competition.
Wayne Rooney had been sent off in the World Cup quarter finals against Portugal and was
therefore set to miss the first three Euro 2012 games. Thinking he was being helpful Ray Lewington
popped his head round the door and said to a puzzled looking Ray " don't forget boss, first three games
there will be no Wayne." Hodgson replied " I'm not bothered about the weather you pwick, I'm trying to pick
a side to win this first game."!

 

Ian Botham was on tour in the Far East with the England team. They were enjoying their evening meal
one night and Botham noticed that Allan Lamb was struggling with his dish. He'd ordered what appeared
to resemble some kind of small tortoise like creature. Basically what you had to do was get it to poke its
neck out, and cut it off, before immersing it in hot fat in a tureen to cook it. Botham offered to help.
He took the creature from Lamb and jabbed his finger into its backside. Sure enough it's head popped
out of its shell. " That's clever Both says Lamby, where did you learn to do that."?
Botham says " I used to room with Gladstone Small and did that every morning so he could get his tie on."

 

My wife hates it when our next door neighbour sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

 

A very attractive young lady was sitting in the departure lounge at Manchester Airport.
The only remaining seat next to her was soon occupied by a very good looking guy
in his mid twenties. After engaging in polite conversation he revealed he was an Accountant
on his way to Audit some accounts in New York on behalf of a client. When asked what she did, she
was coy at first , but revealed her name was Heidi Thomas and she was a " sex specialist" on her
way to the US to appear on Prime Time TV to discuss the findings of her sleeping with selected men
by way of scientific research into libido. When asked " who was the best", she confided it was a choice
between a native Indian she has met in the Appalachian mountains and a competitor she had once met at
the Braemar Games in Scotland. She said, " I don't know why I am telling you this, I don't even know your name."
The opportunistic young guy extended his hand and said " I'm Tonto McTavish, pleased to meet you."

 

Just heard this one from Jeremy Vine on Radio 2:

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

Worthy of his brother.

 

Stevie Wonder is having a drink in the bar when Tiger Woods walks in.

Hey, you're Stevie Wonder!"

"Well that's right but you have the advantage - who are you?"

"I'm Tiger Woods, the greatest golfer in the world - hey, ain't that somethin'? The greatest golfer and the greatest singer in the world in the greatest bar in the world!"

Anyway, they got to talking and after a bit Stevie Wonder says "You know Tiger, i'm a pretty good golfer as well. How about we play a round sometime?"

Understandably Tiger Woods is a bit taken aback so says "Well, yeah, sure but it wouldn't seem fair somehow"

Stevie Wonder replies "Well in that case, let's make it interesting and play for $50,000".

Tiger Woods thinks to himself "I can't lose, why not?" so says to Stevie Wonder "Yeah, sure, we'll play for 50 grand - when would you like to play?"

"Any night you like!"

 

I had a job interview at the insect sorting factory today. Think it went well, I managed to box all the right ticks.

 

Tiger Woods is touring Ireland in his Rolls Royce. He pulls into a filling station in the
back of beyond. The guy on the pump is stroking the cars bodywork as he fills the car.
Tiger puts his hand in his pocket to pay and pulls out a wad of notes and a couple of golf tees.
The guy says " what are dey?" Tiger says " I put my balls on them when I'm driving".
In awe the guy says " Jeez , Rolls Royce tink of everything."!

 

two goldfish in a tank one says to the other
have you any idea how to drive this

 

My wife thinks I made a right mess of rewiring our house.

She’s in for a big shock.

 

I watched Groundhog Day last night.
I get the feeling I've seen it before.

 

Nostalgia?

Ain’t what it used to be.

 

I used to work in a tiddlywinks factory. I left 'cos it turned out to be
counter productive.!

 

I've been trying to organise a Hide and Seek tournament but good players are hard to find.

 

I would only wear clothes that were black or white in colour until a recent debate with my wife .
She told me to stop being negative

 

Yorkshire farmer see’s a bloke drinking from his stream Farmer shouts over “ Eyup **** dunt drink watta from theer it’s full of hoss piss and cow ***** “ bloke says “ sorry old chap I’m from London and didn’t quite get that , could you speak a bit slower “ Farmer replies “ If-you-use-both -hands-you’ll-not-spill-as-much”

 

Just lately, I have found that when I enter a room for the first time, I break out into a cold sweat
and have to get out as soon as possible. I consulted my GP. He thinks I'm suffering from
premature evacuation.!

 

A guy bangs on a farmhouse door in Cornwall. The farmers daughter answers it and knowing
the caller as Bill she asks " hi Bill have you come to hire our bull to service your Dads cows again."
Bill says " No I've come to see your Dad. Your brother Arthur has got my sister Mabel into trouble."
The girl replies " in that case, you will have to see my Dad Bill, 'cos I know how much he charges for the bull but
I don't know how much he charges for our Arthur."!

 

Alls well that ends well, except for "I'm trapped down a..."

I was eating my tea last night when I thought that milk was really off!

I can play piano with my eyes closed... sounds awful.

Do you have a book mark? Yes hundreds but my names jack...

My mum said." If there was a record for being clumsy, you should have it!" I said, "yeah, I broke it"

I've got an original Picasso! You have? YeH... Citroen.