Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

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  1. Googs

    Googs Well-Known Member

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    I asked my Doctor the other day if I could have some sleeping pills for my wife.

    Dr "Why what's up with her"?

    Me "She woke up"
     
    Googs, Aug 3, 2018
    #421
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  2. TonyTyke

    TonyTyke Well-Known Member

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    Have you heard the rumours about butter going around?

    Never mind I shouldn’t spread it.
     
    TonyTyke, Aug 3, 2018
    #422
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  3. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    Insurance companies have warned campers that if their tent is stolen at night they won't be covered.
     
    arabian_ian, Aug 5, 2018
    #423
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  4. Sup

    SuperTyke Well-Known Member

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    I've just read a survey about the most popular way to get home from the pub after a long night on the drink.

    The results were staggering.
     
    SuperTyke, Aug 5, 2018
    #424
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  5. Googs

    Googs Well-Known Member

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    In my dream last night I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone.
     
    Googs, Aug 5, 2018
    #425
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  6. Austiniho

    Austiniho Well-Known Member

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    At school I was perfect, I don't know why they made me one; I can't even spell !

    I struggled to lift a bottle of water earlier... it was an Evian.

    I went to boots and said can I have a bottle of shampoo please. The woman said extra volume? I said CAN I HAVE A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO PLEASE.

    I had to get rid of my hoover... it was just collecting dust.

    Wizard of oz is my favourite film
    Why
    Because because because ...

    And the award for best neck wear goes to........
    Oh wait it's a tie!

    How do you make an octopus laugh?
    Ten tickles!

    I'm giving some flat battery's away if anyone's interested... free of charge!
     
    Austiniho, Aug 5, 2018
    #426
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  7. TonyTyke

    TonyTyke Well-Known Member

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    Being the sad kind I am, I told that joke to a shop keeper in London (actually lifting the bottle of water, grunting and saying "oh, it's an Evian" ... Nothing. Absolutely nothing from him.
     
    TonyTyke, Aug 5, 2018
    #427
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  8. Austiniho

    Austiniho Well-Known Member

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    No sense o humour that lot down south!
     
    Austiniho, Aug 5, 2018
    #428
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  9. Sup

    SuperTyke Well-Known Member

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    My mate set me up on a blind date.

    He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

    I felt like a right ******* idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy
     
    SuperTyke, Aug 7, 2018
    #429
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  10. Durkar Red

    Durkar Red Well-Known Member

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    The other night someone spread gravy granules all over my allotment, then last night it happened again ... the plot thickens
     
    Durkar Red, Aug 7, 2018
    #430
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  11. Lor

    Lordtyke Well-Known Member

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    Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...I will hunt you down and find you....you have my Word
     
    Lordtyke, Aug 8, 2018
    #431
  12. kir

    kirkhamtyke Well-Known Member

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    WARNING! Do not download the new Tesco dating app. My mate did and all he got was a bag for life.
     
    kirkhamtyke, Aug 8, 2018
    #432
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  13. Donny Red

    Donny Red Well-Known Member

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    A lad in his early twenties is arrested during the small hours in the Centre of Barnsley.
    It's apparent he's been drinking and he is absolutely butt naked.
    The arresting Officer asked him where he's been. He tells him he's been to a 21 st party at a
    house on Manchester Road. As the night wore on it was apparent that some couples
    we're getting increasingly amorous. The hostess being a liberally minded sort of girl decided that everyone
    should join in the fun. She turned the lights out and shouted " Girls remove all your clothes.
    Right Guys remove all your clothes." She then said " right everyone go to Town."
    The drunk looks at the copper with a sad face and says " It looks like I'm the only one who's turned up."
     
    Donny Red, Aug 9, 2018
    #433
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  14. Sup

    SuperTyke Well-Known Member

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    At a recent job interview:
    "What's your name?"
    "Dave ******* Cunting Smith"
    "Do you suffer from Tourette's Dave"
    "No. But the Vicar at the Christening did."
     
    SuperTyke, Aug 9, 2018
    #434
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  15. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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    Two old boys are sat in the pub one night
    One says “well are we getting hammered again tonight?”
    No chance, the missis has said if I go home pissed and smelling of vomit again she’ll throw me out.
    No worries his mate says, if your sick on your coat just have a twenty pound note ready in your inside pocket and say the bloke who puked up on me gave me twenty quid for dry cleaning.
    So back home he goes, steaming pissed and cover in sick.
    Right! That’s it she yells you’re out of here.
    Hold on my dear look, a bloke was sick on my coat and he gave me 20 quid for dry cleaning.
    So why have you got two twenty pound notes in your hand?
    Ah, the other is from the bloke who shat in my pants.
     
    RedStriker, Aug 10, 2018
    #435
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  16. Austiniho

    Austiniho Well-Known Member

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    Did you hear about the woman who had a boob job, but instead of silicon used mahogany? Would be awful for me to make a joke about it, wooden tit?
     
    Austiniho, Aug 10, 2018
    #436
  17. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    8D391545-0153-455E-ABD8-DF351DC0A2B8.jpeg
     
    Connor, Aug 11, 2018
    #437
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  18. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    69AC188C-B073-4495-B67A-99EEA39757E5.jpeg
     
    Connor, Aug 16, 2018
    #438
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  19. shenk1

    shenk1 Well-Known Member

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    Most people are shocked when they find out what a bad electrician I am ;)
     
    shenk1, Aug 16, 2018
    #439
  20. Bar

    Barnsleythruandthru Member

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    My grandparents are called pearl and dean, but we call them grandma and grand pa p pa p pa p p pap pa pa pa
     
    Barnsleythruandthru, Aug 16, 2018
    #440
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