Made me laugh

Brilliant!

 

I have this agnostic dyslexic friend who suffers from insomnia, he lays awake all night wondering wether there is or isn't a dog

 

Not sure if av posted this joke but here goes.

I had this massive bee flying around the house the other day chuffin 100mph then SPLAT straight into window , what was the last thing that went through it head?.....................It's arse.

 

Roland rat, top cat, Michael fish you lying twät

 

Teacher in English class say to her pupils "right class I want you to give me a sentence with the word contagious in it"

So Sally put her hand up and said " I wouldn't be allowed into school if I had chicken pox as it is highly contagious"

Very good said the teacher.

Little Billy put his hand up, yes Billy said the teacher to which he replied:

" I was walking to school this morning and saw a bloke on a roof painting it with a toothbrush and I thought to myself it's going to take that cnutages"

 

"Michael Fish you lying ****" is a quality line!!

Edit: @SuperTyke i see you liked that line too

 

My daughter is a school teacher in Shetland. As she was delivering her lesson the kids soon picked up on her accent and asked where she come from. Well seeing the opportunity of an impromptu geography lesson she said Dundee. Then asked if anyone knew where Dundee was. A wee lad at the back shot up his hand and said Aye Miss they are bottom of the league.

 

Got a new boss at work. On his first day he said to me "you're a terrible puppeteer. How did you get this job?"

I said "a friend of mine pulled some strings"

 

Manchester United

 

Crying Manchester United “fans”

 

To the man who stole all my anti depressants. I hope you're happy now

 

A pound coin was thrown on the pitch at the Sheff Wednesday game last week. Police are trying to determine if it was a missile or a takeover bid.

 

What does a Sheff Wednesday fan do after watching their team win the Premier League?

Turn off the Playstation.

 

BREAKDOWN IN COMMUNICATION.


The war is over but on a remote island, a group of Japanese soldiers oblivious to that fact.
continue to offer resistance . The British Army send one of their top officers Colonel Blashford-Smithers
and a crack unit of SAS soldiers to attempt flush the group out and get them to surrender.
They are guided to a river by overhead surveillance and eventually spot a Japanese sniper up a tree.
The General calls for a loud hailer and moving the bank shouts across to river to him.
" The war is over, lay down your arms." Pointing at the soldier he then makes a front crawl swimming action asking "are you Navy", then thrusting his arm backwards and forwards whilst shouting " boom, boom, boom", he then asks or are you Artillery," then putting his clenched fists up to his eyes, he finally asks " or are you Observer Corps" . "Navy, Artillery or Observer Corps."? The soldier promptly jumps down from the tree and runs into the camp where his colleagues are. His Commanding Officers asks " why you leave liver bank."? He replies " I see Blitish soldier, he says the war is over. Lay down your arms, or I am going to swim liver and f*ck you till your eyes pop out."

 

Did you realise, if it wasn't for venetian blinds it would be curtains for all of us!

 

Pulled a gypsy bird last night. She asked me if I wanted to go back to hers for a good time...

She wasn't kidding...... I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train and came home with a goldfish

 

I was in the Silkstone yesterday & this bloke walked in wearing a black tea shirt, black shorts & black socks with white trims, a ball under his arm and a whistle. I thought to myself, he going to kick off in a minute.