Made me laugh

Son asks his dad for a motorcycle for his birthday, no chance dad sez, oh pleeeese dad, no chance son. Oh please al be careful, tell you what son, if your bell end can touch your arse then yes I'll buy a motorcycle.
Next day son runs into room, dad dad a can touch mi arse wi mi bell end, good sez dad, nar tha can gu fck thi sen.

 

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"

 

Two dyslexics are working in a kitchen.
1st one says "Can you smell gas?"
2nd one replies " Mate, i can't even smell my own name".

 

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone

 

With Harry Redknapp in the jungle, I'm a Celeb will be relegated to ITV2 by Christmas...

 

I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat bloke sitting there holding his ****..

Then I realised the telly wasn't on...........

 

Couple driving home run over a badger.
They get out and find it is still breathing but freezing cold.
Husband says “put it between your legs to warm it up”
wife replies “but its all wet and stinks” he says “well hold
the badgers ******* nose then.

 

Chinese man rings his boss and says “me no work,I sick “boss says,”when im sick,I **** my wife,try that”
2hrs later Chinese man rings back “me better,you got nice house”.

 

I've bought the wife a fridge for Christmas

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it...

 

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings. He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug *******!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metrocentre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000".

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this fuckin phone belongs to?"

 

A young woman from Portsmouth was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

 

Why aren't people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV?

Because of the telly ban.

 

I arrived early at the restaurant earlier.
“Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked.
“Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said