Made me laugh

Young Nudger tells his best mate Marlon abart his massive cok being a problem, Marlon sez nowt to worry abart, r lass is a Witch, and if you ask her she'll make things better for thi.

Young Nudger sees Mrs Marlon and she gives him a potion, Nudger applies the potion and wham 3 inches is lost.

Young Nudger sees Marlon darn Oakwell and sez its better, but its still [sheff wed]. Marlon sez dunt worry i've got a sister in law who'll sort it, but you'll av to ask her to Marry thi, if she says no you'll automatically loose 3 inches off thi cok.

Nudger goes darn Hoyle Mill and sees Marlons sister in law, and asks her to marry him, she reluctantly says no, and flash Nudger looses 3 inches off his cok.

A fortnight later darn Oakwell Young Nudger and Marlon are avin a pint in the Mount, and Nudger tells Marlon its nice but at 9 inches its still a bit big.

Marlon arranges another visit to the sister in laws and instucts Nudger the same rules apply.

Young Nudger goes darn Hole Mill and asks her to marry him, feeling frustrated she turns to him and sez how many times do i av to tell thi NO, NO, NO,

 

This made me laugh.
88 minutes gone Leeds United 0 Norwich City 3
and the Blunts now down to third.

 

I'm really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!

I mean, how low can you go?

 

A huge thank you to one of my neighbours for allowing me to borrow her large sheet of plastic covering ....

Ta Pauline.

 

Young Nudger sat at home feet up avin a cuppa, wife sez heyup Nudger that sinks blocked again, can tha sort it, fuk me do r look like a fukin Plummer.

Half hour later, wife sez Nudger can tha sort socket art in bedroom, fukin hell do r look like a fukin Sparky

An hour passes wife sez Nudger can tha sort lawn art, it looks like a jungle, fuk me do r look like a fukin Gardner, fuk this im of art.

Couple hours later Nudger gets home and sez reight wot wants fixing, Too late, TonyTyke, popped rarnd, said he'd do it for either a BIG cake or a Blowjob,

So wot happened Wife sez do r look like a Fukin BAKER

 

Young Nudger, TarnTyke, and DonnyRed laid in Mums tummy prior to being born, talking abart wot they wanna do when they grow up

TarnTyke sez r wanna be an Electrician so we can av light in ere.

DonnyRed sez r wanna be a Plummer so i can sort the waterworks art.

Young Nudger sez i wanna be a boxer

The other two look puzzled, and ask why a Boxer

He proudly smarts so i can Knock the fuk art of that Bold Barst'd that keeps popping in and art, and spitting on us

 

Police find a mans body floating in River dearne, wearing a Leeds Utd shirt, womens underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and an enormous dildo up his arse.

They av removed the Leeds Utd shirt to save the Family any Embarasment.

 

Barnsley fans and Sheff Wed fans, sharing a Double Decker darn to Wembley

Barnsley Fans tek darnstairs and are aving the time of their lives, while upstairs its really quiet, so up pops a Barnsley Fan and finds all the Wendy Fans, frozen in fear, just staring ahead and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

Wots going on up ere, were aving the time of our lives below deck.

And at that point a Wendy Fan looks up and sez YEAH but you've got a driver.

 

Better told than written but here goes.

Young nudge goes tut doctors and sez. IN A VERY HIGH PITCHED VOICE. (Imagine) “ Nar then doctor av got 2 problems. 1 mi high pitched voice dunt attract many lasses when asking for a date. And 2 when I do pick up a lass. Av got such a big *****. That when a shag her. she sez am not going art wi thee ageean it hurts too much” “owt tha can do for mi doctor.” Doctor sez. “ Drop your trousers let me have a look. mmmm I can see your problem. Your penis is that big. It’s pulling on your vocal chords. Causing you to speak like that. Only solution I know of is having a few inches cut off your penis and it will cure both problems.” NUDGE.HIGH VOICE “ Eee I’ll try owt wunce doc. Book me in.” A few weeks later nudge goes back tut docs for a check up. Normal voice. “ Hey up doc. “That there operations done wonders fo mi voice. Gerrin lots of birds but can’t keep one cos a can’t satisfy em. I think I prefer it the way I was. Any chance of avint operation reversed.” DOCTOR Reples in a very high pitched voice. “No fooookin chance”.
Hope it worked.

 

Young Nudger tweaks their lasses arse at the door, before going off to Footy, and sez if tha firmed it up, we could get rid of the girdles.

Next morning he tweaks on a breast and sez, these could do wi firming up and we could get rid of ya bras, that was too far over the limit and grabs Young Nudger by the Cok, maintaining a vice like grip, she whispers in his ear, if tha could firm this up a bit, i could get rid of milkman, postman and ya brothers

 

Went to a wedding in Sheffield on Satdi

Sez to bloke next to me, the Bride, she's one ugly fuka,

Do you mind thats my daughter

Sorry mate i said, i didnt realize u wer her dad,

Im not i'm her Fukin MOTHER

 

If you were to tell that joke in Glasgow I'd promise to visit you in hospital.

 

Bloody hell, I wouldn't. Not until they've cleaned up those pigeon droppings.

 

They have turned the house where toothpaste was invented into a museum so I decided to go and have a look at it. Trouble is when I got to the street where it was supposed to be I couldn't find it. There was no plaque!
Nicked that one off the Sunderland forum!

 

Layed in bed the other day me and our lass decided to try something else to spice up our love life
so we chose to have it the gas board way
you might have tried it..No...
You stop in all day and nobody cums


Fancying a little bit the other night I gently caressed her leg... grabbing my hand
We will have none of that she says...I've been in the bath... Im nice and clean I've got a hospital appointment to see the doctor in the morning it's a no go area....mmm is that right I replied hope you havent got an appointment to see the dentist as well


Paddy and Murphy sat with their wife's in a Belfast pub decide to swap partners to spice up their love live's

The following morning Paddy says to Murphy .... hey murphy that was ******* good I wonder how the girls got on

 

A bloke is feeling randy so he goes down to the local brothel for some fun. He enters and asks how much. The Madame explains that any prostitute is usually £100 but if he wants to try lucky dip it's just £20. After some thought the lucky dip option is too tempting and he coughs up his 20 quid.
'Through that door' says the proprietress, pointing to a bland-looking archway.
The guy goes through the arch/door and is immediately confronted by three further doors. Above each door is a notice. 'Big lovely person', 'Little lovely person' 'Medium lovely person'. The bloke is not sure what he's supposed to do but being on the fence he opts for 'Medium lovely person' and tentatively opens the relevant door.
Upon walking through he is confronted by three further doors, 'Wet lovely person', 'Dry lovely person' 'Medium lovely person'.
Warming to the task the bloke opts for 'Wet lovely person' and eagerly opens and walks through the said door. He is then confronted by three further doors - 'Thin lovely person', 'Thick lovely person' 'Medium lovely person'.
He excitedly opts for 'Thick lovely person' and finds himself in the street.

 

Ha... Didn't realize it would be edited... Somewhat spoiled the effect!

 

What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead while I hang around.

 

My wife said I'm addicted to football stadiums, and that she's going to divorce me. I said, "On what grounds?"

 

Bloke who played Captain Kirk back int 60/70s, opened a ladies underware shop, lasted 5 days, experts say it was down to the name he gave the shop.


SHATNER PANTS