Made me laugh

As the Team [BARNSLEY], continues with its demise, a pound coin was thrown onto the pitch.

Police are trying to determine weather it was a Missile attack, or a Takeover bid.

As a Token of good will, after yet another S hite performance, Barnsley F.C. players attended an Orthanage,

It was heart breaking to see their little sad faces, said OLLY aged 6.

 

Just got back from Doctors had problems HEARING,

Doctor sez, can tha describe SYMPTOMS

R sez, sure can Homers a fat c unt and Marge has blue hair.

 

x

 

Could'nt foookin believe it walking darn, Donny rd, and a Coffin fell art back door of HEARSE, coming straight for us so i sets off running, scrambling ovver walls, through hedges, and darn an alley, still coming straight for us, so i jumps into Pharmacy, picks up first thing i could and frew a bottle of COUGH SYRUP at it, at this point the Coffin STOPPED

 

A man dressed in 16th century clothing and performing lewd impersonations of William Shakespeare in Barnsley town centre has been arrested by police for bard behaviour.

 

A grandmother telephoned Barnsley Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood levels just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. The staff up here tell me F**K ALL"!!!

 

Sadly I got sacked from my job at the bank today.

An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over!

 

My wife has been on a diet for the last few weeks so today I asked her how it was going.

“Not well!” She replied, “I had 7 eggs for breakfast this morning!”

“Oh dear! We’re they hard boiled?” I asked

“No!” She replied “Easter eggs!”

 

Many many many years ago when my grandfather retired from the local colliery they asked him what he would like as a retirement gift... His choice of gift surprised everyone

He chose Ned the old pit pony that many disliked but had found a soft spot in my grandfather's heart

Many including my grandmother failed to understand the logic behind his thinking when in those dark days food was short and money hard to come by.

My grandfather on the other hand explained that seeing old Ned rolling about kicking his heels running about without restraint frolicking under blue skies and a summer sun without a care in the world was a joy to watch and brought happiness to his old heart and expressed a love for life that no amount of money could buy..
Many a time he would point to old Ned and say that's what life should be like not a care in the world free to do what you like.....
Sorry I digressed nostalgia of times gone by....back to tale....

Ned on finding himself now free to roam.. free from the grueling conditions and extreme demands of his hard working life.. Ran around frolicking under Blue skies basking under the summer sun... kicking his heels and generally having fun in his new surroundings...

Surroundings that where owned by my grandfathers old friend Mr Norten the horse trainer and in who's large field Ned now lived and was free to roam...

One morning my grandfather awoke and looking out of his bedroom window saw to his surprise that Ned was no longer alone .. Infact

Ned was surrounded by a collection of the most graceful and beautiful and successful might I add race horses you could ever have the delight in watching.

My grandfather worried for Neds safety hurriedly got dressed

Meanwhile Ned surrounded by such beauty stood in awe answering all the questions that were put to him....

O I sey said one of the mares in a very posh horsey voice. . Whartt is surch hey small horse doing in a paddock exclusively raserverrrd for Mr Norton finest racehorses .. Who the devil har you...

Me luv Ned replied.. Am Ned local pit pony born an bred in't pit.. Barnsley main tuh bi exact just retired I ev.

For Gourdness sake... she replied what could ever could a little un educated horse like you evor achieve in a coal mine absolutely absurd dears don't you think
The other horses nodded in agreement..

Listen here you stuck up cow with thi fancy voice tall legs all way up tuh thi ar5e... Al eV thee no Ave bin darn pit gobbling dust pullin full coil tubs back en forruds frum t coil face an back since acan remember suh dunt cum almighty wi me lass am strong int mind niver mind back .

Taken aback the mare snapped back .. You.... don't make me larrf ... Strong well I never....

Listen said Ned.. tha sees that hill ov'er theeer if tha climbs on mi back Al carry thi tuh top and show thi ar strong iam

The mare humouring him... duly climbed on Neds back and he carried her to the top of the hill with ease. .

My my Whort a strong.. little horse thou art she said in her very posh horse voice... I'm impressed.. However... Dismissing his feats she continued.. No matter your strength you still fall short of grace beauty and brains and of course speed something which sets us apart and why us race horses are not only valuable dear but adored by many

Is that rieght then sez Ned.. So what's this racing lark all abart...
Well says the mare if you climb on my back I will teach you about speed guile and above all the grace and swiftness stamina and the act of seizing the opportunity all factors of been a success in sport ..something a uneducated little horse like you wouldnt understand

She laid down at the top of the hill and Ned climbed on her back... She stood turned to Ned And said hold tight little horse.. Your about to experience the frill of a life time... I will show you why I'm Mr Norton top prizing winning mare in his stable.

She set of down the hill and old Ned hung on to her mane for dear life like a jockey holding the reins as she gathered speed

Suddenly a wave of passion overcome Ned and the frill of speed created a warm glow between his rear legs an errection of mighty proportions now proudly on show he thought this is my chance... He edged backwards and casually lifted the mares tail and penetrated her
The mare abruptly digging in her hoofs in to the turf send dirt in all directions gradually came to a stop

Gaddness gracious meee... Whort ever was that she asked....

Tha Dint think I wi cumin darn a gradient like that wi art purrin a locker in did tha replied Ned

 

True story

An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Lincoln
There, at the cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to York , Durham and Liverpool

In every Cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving the N of England decided to travel to Scotland to see if the Scots had the same phone.

He arrived in Glasgow, and again, as he entered the cathedral , there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Reverend, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it only 50pence here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son .... it's a local call.'

 

ME: Whats the Wifi password?
BARTENDER: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: I'll have a coke.
BARTENDER: Is Pepsi ok?
ME: Sure...how much is that?
BARTENDER: £3.
ME: There you go,now what's the Wifi password?
BARTENDER: You need to buy a drink first, no spaces and all lowercase.

 

Just saw the latest pictures from Paris. Despite the damage and the restoration work needed, I'd still shag her.

 

This is why we need a character limit