Made me laugh

Mary had a little skirt
It's split was up the sides
Whenever Mary wore the skirt
The boys could see her thighs

She also had another skirt
It's split was up the front

She never wore it though

 

Mary had a little lamb
It wouldn't stop its gruntin
So she took it up a country lane
And kicked its little lovely person* in.

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I often saw her little lamb
But never saw her bare.

 

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A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?"
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Johnny what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Johnny thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the sh:t."

 

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Talking about Virgin in a thread yesterday, reminded me of the Vicar in our village when I lived over in Donny. He was around 35 and whilst always preaching the advantages of family life, he himself was a bachelor.

He was a very honourable man, but in the society of his day, he recognised that he probably has some impossible demands. For example, where women were concerned, he insisted that if he did ever marry, his bride would have to be a virgin.

By pure chance, after being invited to a function at St George's Church , he got talking to a female guest. They had an instant chemistry and agreed to meet up for lunch. More dates followed and he gradually realised that he was falling in love with this lady. On one such occasion, he delicately broached the subject of virginity and the fact that if they
were to take their relationship to the next level, he needed assurances that she was still a virgin.

In those days, the Annual Doncaster Virgins convention was held in a phone box at the bottom of Barnsley Road and whilst not being promiscuous , as we used to say, the lady in question had in her time, " flattened some grass." She was also falling for him and therefore told a white lie when she said she was still intact. Shortly afterwards the reverend proposed and she accepted. Thinking about the possible effects of her lie she decided to consult her friend who was a leading gynaecologist.

Being told of the vicars lack of experience, he advised that all she had to do was make sure the room was in darkness and get into bed with her tights on. As the vicars frustration increased , all she needed to then do, was to nip to the bathroom and remove her tights. On the night, everything was going to plan and at the appropriate time she kissed her husband and said " give me a minute darling, I'll just pop to the bathroom and use some of my lotion". She popped into the bathroom took her tights off and returned to the marital bed, much to the delight of her husband.

A couple of days later, the vicar was mowing the front lawn at the manse. From nowhere , a bee started to circle round his head. Several times he blew at it and waved his arms about to try to scare it off but with no joy. In the end, in total frustration he shouted out aloud " look you, p*ss off, otherwise I will go and get my wife's lotion and ram this feckin' mower up your a*se."

 

Just had a couple of callers at the door who spent 20 minutes telling me about all the benefits of brown bread. Took me ages to get rid of them.
I think they were Hovis Witnesses

 

The wife asked me last night if I preferred football or sex - I said open your legs n I’ll show you - and I nutmegged her!!

 

Made plans to re marry my ex wife last year but she refused on grounds I was only after my money .

 

Robber holds up a bank whilst me n wife were in.
He walks up to one customer and says did you see me rob this bank to which they replied yes so he shot them.
Goes up to another customer and same thing .
Came up to me and asked same question to which I replied no I certainly did not but my wife saw everything .

A seventy year old multi millionaire is getting married to a twenty four year old model.
At the reception one of his friend asked him how he managed it ,
Simple said the groom I lied about my age .
I told her I was 89

 

Bloke goes into work with his slippers on .
His mate asks where his shoes are to which he replied well I bought some new ones and the lady said they’d probably be tight and nip me for first couple of week o i won’t be wearing them for a few weeks to avoid it.

Wife uses smoke detector as a cooking timer.

I put super glue on the wife’s lipstick , she hadn’t seen the funny side of it yet it’s been a week and she’s still not talking to me .

Difference in meaning of same sentences by a man or a women.
Example
I used a whole box of tissues watching a film yesterday ,

Have you ever got halfway through eating a horse and thought
“You know what I’m not as hungry as I thought I was “

 

I have just finished with my cross eyed girlfriend .
I think she was seeing someone else on the side