Made me laugh

Husband: Babe, I'm calling from the hospital, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I am in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. My spleen is damaged and I have 7 broken ribs.
Also, they will have to amputate my right leg above the knee and I have a damaged spinal chord. If I survive I will be in a wheelchair for life.

Wife: Who is Sabrina?

 

Where do you find a cow with no legs? Where you left it
Chickens hate my lawn, it’s impeccable

 

Just been to see the doctor he asked.. How's your sex life.. I replied
Infrequent.... He looked up from his key board smiled and asked..
One word or two...

 

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman had been stranded on a desert island for years when they find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The Englishman wishes he was off the island and back home. The Scotsman wishes the same. The Irishman thinks about his wish for a few minutes then says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

 

A bloke is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s another knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

 

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

 

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see a thing."

 

I was born with no eyelids, so they used my foreskin to make them for me.

Now everything looks cockeyed.

 

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are captured by some cannibals while trekking in a remote rain forest.

The cannibals take them hostage and tie them up to await their fate.

The chief of the cannibal tribe explains to them that they are going to be tortured before being boiled and eaten with their skin being used for canoes but that they can, if they choose, kill themselves.

The Englishman asks for a bottle of arsenic poison, swallows it and promptly dies.

The Scotsman asks for a gun and promptly shoots himself in the head, dying instantly.

The Irishman asks for a knife. The chief grants him his wish and passes his a large hunting knife. The Irishman then starts to stab himself on his legs, arms and body.

The chief looks completely bemused and asks him what the hell he is doing. The Irishman stops stabbing himself and sings 'I've ruined your canoe, I’ve ruined your canoe'.

 

A very attractive blonde was attempting to get on the bus. Only problem, was she was wearing
heels and a very tight pencil thin skirt. She couldn't raise her leg high enough, so she reached
to the back of her skirt and loosened the zip.

She still struggled, so she reached behind again and pulled the zip down. Out of the blue the
guy behind her put his hands round her waist and gently lifted her up onto the platform.

She was really angry and said to him " what the hell do you think you're doing."
He said " well the second time you pulled my zip down, I took it that you were trying to tell
me something."

 

Rafa Benitez has left Newcastle for a potential move to China.
Huawei The Lads.

 

I'd rather they were muzzled

 

As my Dad used to say. “Like peaches when I married her. Nar like Gunga Dins watter bags.”

 

Tits like a slate layers nail bag...
Nipples like Massey - ferguson wheel nuts

 

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