Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

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  1. Durkar Red

    Durkar Red Well-Known Member

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    Mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a thing for Beyonce .
    “What ever floats your boat “ she said
    “No” I said “ that buoyancy “
     
    Durkar Red, Oct 1, 2019
    #1101
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  2. Durkar Red

    Durkar Red Well-Known Member

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    The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello

    The last thing my grandad said before he died was “ pints , litres, gallons “!
    That spoke volumes
     
    Durkar Red, Oct 1, 2019
    #1102
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  3. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    My wife threatened to leave me due to my obsession with 60s band The Monkees.

    I thought she was kidding.

    Then i saw her face.
     
    Jack Tatty, Oct 2, 2019
    #1103
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  4. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    Disability benefit is really taking effect. I have a friend who is a dwarf and very often he struggles to put food on the table.
     
    Jack Tatty, Oct 2, 2019
    #1104
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  5. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    The tv announcer on the BBC said there was a documentary about the clitoris on the red button but i couldn't find it.
     
    Jack Tatty, Oct 2, 2019
    #1105
  6. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    I rushed down to the super market the other day as i heard they had a couple of specials on.

    And sure enough there they both were collecting the trolleys.
     
    Jack Tatty, Oct 2, 2019
    #1106
  7. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    At Christmas time at our house its always a tradition that we have a Christmas jumper.

    Then usually its my job to talk him down from the roof.
     
    Jack Tatty, Oct 2, 2019
    #1107
  8. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    My grief counsellor died the other day.

    He was that good that i didnt give a ****.
     
    Jack Tatty, Oct 2, 2019
    #1108
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  9. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    I went to my first premature ejaculation group meeting yesterday.

    There was nobody there.

    Turns out its tomorrow.
     
    Jack Tatty, Oct 2, 2019
    #1109
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  10. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    Just finished a course on positive thinking.

    It was rubbish.
     
    Jack Tatty, Oct 2, 2019
    #1110
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  11. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    I often worry that when a woman sees me naked for the very first time that she is going to scream and run out of the park.
     
    Jack Tatty, Oct 2, 2019
    #1111
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  12. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    I dont like it when a woman opens her eyes when i am kissing her.

    I'm like "damn she's coming round"
     
    Jack Tatty, Oct 2, 2019
    #1112
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  13. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    My wife's arse is just like a peach.


    Hairy and makes a terrible yoghurt.
     
    Jack Tatty, Oct 2, 2019
    #1113
  14. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    How to tell the sex of an ant.

    Place it in a glass of water.

    If it sinks it's a girl ant.

    If it floats its boy ant.
     
    Jack Tatty, Oct 2, 2019
    #1114
  15. tingleytyke

    tingleytyke Well-Known Member

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    IMG_2514.JPG
     
    tingleytyke, Oct 2, 2019
    #1115
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  16. Sim

    Simon De Montforte Well-Known Member

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    WARNING: If you get a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dent does porn so I dint opin it.
     
    Simon De Montforte, Oct 4, 2019
    #1116
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  17. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    I was very sceptical of this at first but now I'm a believer.
     
    arabian_ian, Oct 4, 2019
    #1117
  18. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    Brilliant. I was very himprsed wiv dis, so I pynchd it and sennt it to al mi friends. I hop u don't susan mi 4 doin dat bro.
     
    Stahlrost, Oct 4, 2019
    #1118
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  19. Durkar Red

    Durkar Red Well-Known Member

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    What do you call a wolf that has things sorted out ?
    Aware wolf
    What’s a web designer s favourite tea ?
    URL grey
    What did the mermaid wear to her math class ?
    An algae bra
     
    Durkar Red, Oct 5, 2019
    #1119
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  20. Sim

    Simon De Montforte Well-Known Member

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    A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
    'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little paper bag.
    'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days.'
    The little paper bag felt no better when he went back for the results.
    'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.
    'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.
    'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.
    'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.
    'No, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
    'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.
    'No, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
    'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.
    'No, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'
    'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual relationship?'
    'No! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!'
    'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor
    '
    '
    '
    '
    .
    'Your mother must have been a carrier'
     
    Simon De Montforte, Oct 18, 2019
    #1120
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