Made me laugh

6:30 is the best time on a clock
Hands down

 

What's made of leather and like a sneeze?

A shoe.

 

Walking down the street, a Member of Parliament is hit by a lorry and dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter. He says,
‘Welcome to Heaven. Before you settle in, it seems there’s a problem. We seldom see anyone in such a high office around here, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’
‘Just let me in,’ says the politician.
‘Well, I’d like to but I have instructions from above. You’ll have to spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven, then you can choose where to spend eternity.’
‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,’ says the MP.
‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’ replies St Peter
With that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he went down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the Devil, a very nice, friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They’re having such a good time that before he realises, it’s time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave as the lift rises…
The door opens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it’s time to show you around Heaven.’
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. ‘Well, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.’
The MP reflects for a minute, then answers: ‘Well, I would never have thought it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.’ So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to Hell.
When the doors open he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and refuse.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more garbage falls from above.
The Devil comes over and puts his arm around his shoulder.
‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the MP, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? ’
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, ’ Yesterday we were campaigning…
Today you voted

 

This year I have decided to release a Christmas record called "Duvet Know it's Christmas"?

It's a cover version.

 

He's making a database.
He's sorting it twice.
SELECT * from contacts WHERE
behaviour = 'nice'
SQL Clause is coming to town!

 

I paid £80 for a belt that didn’t fit
My wife said it was a huge waist

 

One from Tony Blackburn on SOTS this morning.

A man walks into a pub and asks for a bag of Helicopter crisps.

The barman says "sorry we only have plane."

 

Jerry was in a Hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"

The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."

Jerry pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!"

 

I tried to catch fog yesterday. I mist.

 

What do you call a sarcastic Barnsley cowboy?

Tex P!ss

 

Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make...

Then they call me ugly and poor!

 

I just walked outside and saw 3 cows jumping on a trampoline!

Apparently they are making milkshake!