Made me laugh

Had to laugh at Harry Rednapps "Sandbanks Summer" on TV the other night. The show featured Joe Pasquale
and Razor Ruddock. Plenty of banter. I bet it was great to have Harry as your Manager, he seems up for a laugh.

When he was at West Ham the injured Razor didn't turn up for training and opted to play in a celebrity golf match
instead. Nobody would have found out but Ruddock got involved in fisticuffs with another player and it made the papers.


Harry who was the Hammers Manager at the time didn't think that was right and fined him £20k. Ruddock was incensed
and hired a top lawyer to fight his appeal. Harry recounted that the brief tied the Club in knots and the verdict was eventually overturned. Razors apparent smugness soon disappeared when the £30k bill from his brief hit the doormat.!!!

 

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank ...

The rabbit says, I think I might be a type o.

 

Nice one. Took a few seconds to click haha

 

My wife called me a sexist pig, and accused me of being far too obsessed with football.

I said, "What makes you say that, babe?"

She said, "Well for one, there's this card you gave me for my birthday."

I said, "But to be fair, you've not kept up with the housework recently, so you were lucky it was only yellow."

 

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck up a conversation.
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So, why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pee-er. I pee on everything.... the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I peed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it.When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!".

 

That's the dogs ****** that mate.

 

Chinese takeaway: £30.00
Delivery fee: £3.00
Realising they’ve forgotten one of your items: Riceless

 

Coronavirus warning !!

I don't want to alarm anyone but the coronavirus will soon spread in an irreversible way.
The first means of contamination are bank notes, don't touch them.
Take them with gloves and put them in a sealed envelope and leave them by your front door.
Tomorrow morning I'll come by for collection and elimination, I'm doing this for the good of public health!
No need to thank me

 

10 things a man will never say
1. It looks like we’re lost, I better pull over and ask someone for directions.
2. *** the football, lets watch your ‘Cagney and Lacy’ video.
3. Hey, let’s go shopping and why don’t you drive?
4. Of course, I’d love to wear a condom.
5. Why don’t we invite your mother?
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
7. Her tits are way too big.
8. Not tonight, I've got a headache.
9. Forget the golf, let's go to your mothers' instead.
10. I think Peter Andre is a really cool bloke.

 

10 things a woman will never say
1. I’m wrong, you must be right.
2. Does this make my bum look too small?
3. My God, it really is 14 inches.
4. I won’t put my lips on that thing unless you let me swallow.
5. This diamond is far too big.
6. Don’t throw that smelly old t-shirt out – it’s really cute.
7. Hey, I just farted – phew get a whiff of that one.
8. I think hairy *** are really sexy.
9. Can we watch the football match instead of this soppy film.
10. Could we be more physical, I’m tired of being just friends.

 

It took a lot of balls for me to go on the Channel 4 show ''Embarrassing Bodies''.

Three actually.

 

Police have arrested an Indian bloke for assault and battery on his wife.

Chinda Goodenpropa is denying all charges.

 

Was a flat battery, so theres no charge

 

Now you've started something.

 

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

 

Keep safe flower

 

Our lass was going out for a jog the other day. She asked. " Do you think I should put mi bra on". I said " You ought to, it's muddy outside"

 

Mick: Three cliff walkers have been killed in an accident at Beachy Head
Paddy: That's incredible! what's the odds of them all having the same name?!

 

The person who invented the hand sanitiser must be rubbing his hands.