Made me laugh

Coronavirus porn is going viral on pornhub.

What a bunch of sick *****.

 

Had to laugh at Gary Linekers corny pun on "Match of the Day" on Saturday night.
Bournemouth defender Simpson made a couple of howlers leading up to Liverpool
scoring their two goals at Anfield.

Lineker said " I've watched Simpson a few times. He never plays well away, he's definitely a
Homer." !!!

 

Went out jogging the other evening and whilst out, I saw a tennis ball laying in the gutter, thinking it would be OK for the dog to play with once I got home I stopped picked it up and put it in my pocket...
As I set off jogging I thought right time for a power run and picked up my speed... On doing so the ball started swinging from side to side from one leg to another it swung...
As I ran down the street I noticed an old lady leaning on her front gate smiling at me as I got closer her eyes widened and her smile became intense.... Realising she was looking at my crotch as the ball swung side to side.. I said... ' Its a tennis ball

Ooooooooh she replied I bet that's painful I once had a tennis elbow....

Taxi....

 

Apparently Germans are getting so concerned over this corona virus they have started to put towels on hospital beds.

 

Can't understand all this panic buying over Coronavirus, Bobby Sands lasted a fortnight without snap, and he didn't use any bog roll.

 

Made me chuckle... Bobby Sands.. Bloody hell That's going back some years... Most on here won't know who he is...
So I guess... In response to your comical pose.... Lol
The old ones are the best..... Especially in this case... Lol

 

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1,500!" she cried,"£1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1,500."

You know the drill .....if you're smiling, you must pass it on, give someone else a smile too! Share the laughter.

 

Brilliant...PMSL...

 

At the height of the troubles in Northern Ireland A little old lady makes her way into the Catholic Church carrying the body of her recently deceased cat who she loved deeply... She walks towards the priest totally overcome with sorrow... The priest with a look of anger and alarm on his face demands... why have you brought that dead cat into church woman
The old lady overcome with emotion sobs and sighs drops to her knees and softly speaks...
Father I thought you could maybe say a prayer and even though my beautiful friend is dead give him the last rites then we could hopefully go bury him the church cemetery and give him a proper funeral... The same cemetery a place where he spent many a happy hour wandering around basking in the sunshine hunting under the moonlight...

WHAT exclaimed the Priest are you out of your mind woman, the church and the cemetery is a sanctuary for humans.. Not bloody animals
He continued with more rage... The best thing you can do is take your cat and yourself up the road to that protestant church about a mile away speak with the vicar, he's bound to let you bury it there, like all protestants he hasn't any morals at all....
The old lady slowly gets to her feet, and turns to leave, pausing momentarily she turns back to the priest and says excuse me father but I've never had any dealings with the protestant church... do you think that £10,000 will be enough for my cats funeral
Fxxk me woman the priest replied why didn't you say the cat was a Catholic in the first place....
Taxi....

 

Now that football is suspended, I’ve started to talk to the missus. She’s been made redundant from woolies.

 

Night 1 of no sports: My wife and I just had an hour long conversation. She’s really nice, apparently she works in the medical field. Also, TV’s are black when they are off.

 

You’d know that anyway if you sat in the East Stand

 

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