Made me laugh

That one's really got me chuckling.

 

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic ?
Ian

 

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, 'Goal!’

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'it’s fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Goal! 1 - 1’

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 2 to 1’

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Ha! 2 -2’

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides’

 

Went on my bike to the shop yesterday for a bottle of whisky. When I came out I thought what if I have an accident on the way home....I don't want to break it, so I drank it before I set off.

Glad I did as I fell off my bike 5 times on the way home

 

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Audi

Sergeant:
What kind of Audi was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
Audi A6 Avant Black Edition,
Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter

 

I organised a threesome for last night.

There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.

 

To pass time in Lockdown I've started working on a theatrical performance on puns.

It's a play on words.

 

My wife has clapped weight on during the lockdown.
We had a threesome last night and I never bumped into the other fellow!

 

My Mrs suggested, while I am bored, that I knock up a bird table.
So I did.
She wasn’t impressed mind, as I put her in 6th place.

 

She`s not going darn then?

 

Due to the lack of televised sport, Sky are showing the World Origami Finals this weekend.

It's on paper view.

 

My missus shouted at me really loudly: "YOU HAVEN'T LISTENED TO A WORD I'VE SAID HAVE YOU?!?!"
Baffled, I said: "That's not a nice way to start a conversation is it?".

 

Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

Regards

Richard

*Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.*

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I noticed that the darned Spell-Checker had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

 

It's so quiet out there wildlife is getting more confident around urban places.

So much so a weasel went into a bar last night.

Blimey said the landlord - I've never seen a weasel in here before.

What does a weasel drink?

"Pop" goes the weasel.